Hitchcock: Please, don't go looking for that witness.
Amy: We're just trying to fix your screw-up.
Scully: We didn't screw up. The witness gave us his name, but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented.
Rosa: So he's scared to show up to testify at the courthouse because he didn't want to be detained by ICE.
Amy: Damn it.
Hitchcock: You know, that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops.
Rosa: Yeah, we know that. We're just surprised that you know that.
Scully: That's insulting. I'm very concerned with immigration issues.
Hitchcock: And I've dated my fair share of spicy...
Rosa: No!
Amy: Scully said the nice thing. You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock.

Charles: Ooh, fun! Terry's playing the flute.
Captain Holt: At work. Who are you, William Wonka?

Captain Holt: Okay. Give me your flute. Wrong! First rule: never give anyone your flute.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, we're so happy for you, but we also maybe, kind of already knew. I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
Amy: I just love this box.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.
Amy: I just love this issue.
[flashback:]
Rosa: Hey, why are you wearing that Hazmat suit?
Amy: I just love this look.

Roger Peralta: Actually, Jake, I'm going too.
Jake: What? No, why would you go?
Roger Peralta: I need to go to the hospital. I cut my thumb off.
Jake: Again?
Roger Peralta: The other one.
All: [groaning]
Roger Peralta: Oh, God. Oh, God. Ah... Get the "Dino Bites."

Amy: Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything. Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper. We're golden.
Rosa: Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down the witness' name or contact info.
Amy: What? No, that's insane. Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Dumb? Excuse me. I don't need this crap. I could be on the beach in Figi right now.

Jake: I can't believe you hit me. I'm sorry. My face is throbbing. Hey, "Dino Bites."

Amy: [on the phone] Hey, babe, how's it going?
Jake: Amazingly well.My dad and my grandpa are actually getting along. They've been catching up nonstop.
[flashback:]
Roger Peralta: Aunt Millie?
Walter Peralta: Dead.
Roger Peralta: Uncle Thomas?
Walter Peralta: Dead.
Roger Peralta: Aunt Janet?
Walter Peralta: Dead.
Roger Peralta: Uncle Dean?
Walter Peralta: Gay.
Roger Peralta: Ooh, good for him. What about Aunt Lyn?
Walter Peralta: Dead.
[present:]
Jake: Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion. Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.
Amy: Wow. Dark.
Jake: Yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords: No, this is police business. The flautist for the NYPD band retired, and I'm going to audition to take her spot. Captain Holt, you love music. Can you give me some pointers?
Captain Holt: I'd rather not. The music they play is dreck. Last month, they performed Sousa at a fallen officer's funeral. And the people were so appalled, they cried.
Charles: Or they were crying for the deceased.
Captain Holt: No, she was very unpopular. The band made them cry.

Amy: Okay, let's do this. Here we go. [chuckles] All right, we are having a... Green. Oh, my God. What's inside of me?
Roger Peralta: No, you just cut a bad slice. Here, I'll get a good one.
Jake: I guess the bakery must have messed up.
Walter Peralta: What are you talking about? Roger's the one that added the food coloring.
Roger Peralta: Well, you mixed the batter.
Amy: Wait, did you guys bake that cake?
Walter Peralta: Well, we just, you could say that... [stares off into the distance]

Jake: Hey, Grandpa.
Walter Peralta: Attention!
Jake: Oh.
Walter Peralta: At ease. Just pulling your leg. I'm your grandfather, not your commanding officer. Now, come on. Give me a handshake.

Captain Holt: You're not bad. You're maybe even... Good. But to make you great, I'd have to break you down to nothing. It would ruin our friendship.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can handle criticism. My daughters criticize me all the time. They're so mean now. Please help me, sir, please!

Amy: ADA Kurm, how are you?
Carl Kurm: Do you want the real answer, about how my wife's leaving me, or do you just want me to say, "Good, how are you?"
Amy: Well... The latter?
Carl Kurm: Good, how are you?

Captain Holt: Hello. [laughs] You caught me stretching. I've been doing this and nothing else for the last half hour continuously.
Charles: I saw you watching Terry. You were finger conducting.
Captain Holt: Fine. Yes. I may have overstated my contempt for the music they play so that I wouldn't have to help Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, am I so bad, I can't be helped? Aw, man, I wanted to play in the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Terry loves being in and among floats.

Charles: Okay, I know you need help and time is tight, but I see there is blue cake on the floor, and I know what that means, vis-à-vis the sex of the baby. So before we do anything, I'm going to need a minute.
[1 minute later:]
Charles: Sorry for all the weeping and the weird snort noise I made at the end. It's genetic. Now, Jake, grab the mop, you're on cleanup. Admiral, you're making the batter. Captain, you're on frosting duty.

Roger Peralta: [laughs] Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
Walter Peralta: And you could see the bone.
Roger Peralta: It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.
Walter Peralta: Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
Roger Peralta: God, I hope somebody found him.
Jake: Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

Jake: How about this? Dad, just name one happy memory that you have with Grandpa. And don't say the memory you're going to have at his funeral.
Roger Peralta: All right, when I was eight, he was on shore leave, and we played catch in the yard, and that was fun.
Jake: Hey, there you go. That was great. And Grandpa, is there a happy memory you want to share?
Walter Peralta: Well, can I pick the catch thing too?
Roger Peralta: Yeah, sure.
Walter Peralta: 'Cause that was really a nice time. While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Roger Peralta: Yeah, he broke his arm.
Walter Peralta: You could see the bone.

Amy: If we go to court, we're gonna need the witness to testify. But now, we have no way of contacting him. So there's no case. How could you not take down the witness' contact info?
Hitchcock: Well, unlike you dorks, we don't do everything "by the book."
Scully: We play by our own rules.
Hitchcock: And we get results.
Amy: No! You don't! That's why we're here!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm so glad you're helping me. Maybe I won't blow it after all.
Captain Holt: Oh, you'll do plenty of blowing... Of that flute. Now, let's go. A five, six, seven, eight. Stop. The nod meant start now, not start one second later. Again. Five, six, seven, eight. Stop. Are you playing "The Muffin Man" or "The Garbage Man"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Huh?
Captain Holt: Do you know the Garbage Man? Because I do. Because I'm looking right at him. Again. Five, six, seven, eight. ♪ Bum, bum, bum, badum, bum, bum ♪ [later] Again. [later] Again. ♪ Bum, bum, bum, badum, bum, bum ♪ ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ [later] Why did you stop playing, Garbage Man?
Sergeant Jeffords: I need some water.
Captain Holt: What you need to do is keep practicing, Garbage Man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't have any more saliva.
Captain Holt: And I don't have any more time for your excuses, Garbage Man. Now play again. Five, six...
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't want your help anymore! I'm not a garbage man! I'm a muffin man!

Jake: Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it. [gasps] We have to "Birdbox" it.
Walter Peralta: And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
Jake: No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.
Roger Peralta: I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.
Jake: Dad!

Amy: I just got another call from the saddest ADA in the world. He's still pissed. Did Hitchcock and Scully get anywhere?
Rosa: Hard to say. Their file contains a lot of non-case related documents.
Amy: A bunch of menus?
Rosa: A cease and desist letter from TJ Maxx.
Amy: Multiple patent submissions for something called a "pillow shoe."
Rosa: An application for a time share in Figi.
Amy: You mean Fiji.
Rosa: No, Figi with a G. They're getting scammed.

Jake: The cake was blue.
Roger Peralta: You're having a boy. It's the curse.
Jake: No. No, no, no, there's no curse. Look, we can still fix this. All we have to do is clean every inch of this room, and then bake a gourmet cake.
Roger Peralta: No one can do all that in two hours.
Jake: Wrong, Dad. There is one who can.
[later, Boyle arrives at the apartment wearing sunglasses and holding two whisks]
Charles: Hello, fellas. Let's get to work.

Jake: Okay, both of you, stop. You're acting like children. You know what? That's it, if you're gonna act like kids, then I'm gonna act like a parent.
Roger Peralta: "Cry Hard with a Vengeance"?
Jake: Yeah. It's Bruce Willis's book about parenting. And we're gonna read it.

Jake: Oh, my God, I can't believe we pulled it off. Charles, we owe it all to you.
Charles: Stop, it was an honor to cook and clean with all of you.
Walter Peralta: Boy, Jake is so lucky to have you as his butler.
Jake: Oh, he's not...
Charles: Thank you.
Jake: Oh.

Amy: Jake?
Jake: Okay, fine. Yes, we baked it. I'm so sorry. I'll explain everything later. Dad, please stop cutting the cake.
Roger Peralta: I'm trying to find a good slice.
Walter Peralta: There is no good slice! You screwed it up! You're a screw-up!
Roger Peralta: Yeah? Well, if I'm a screw up, it's 'cause you screwed me up. You screw-up.
Walter Peralta: Screw you. I'm leaving.
Jake: Wait, wait, no, don't go! We reversed the curse! Don't reverse the curse reverse!

Captain Holt: And I believe that's all I've got. Oh, wait, there's one more thing. Peralta gave me a note before the meeting. Ugh, the penmanship is horrid, but I think it says, "Ask if anyone has an anal mint."
Jake: It's announcements, and we do.
Charles: Wow, what an entrance.

Roger Peralta: Aw, Jake. I am excited that you're having a kid.
Jake: Thank you, Dad. Oh, and hey, if you're free next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party.
Roger Peralta: Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam. I would not invite relatives.

Jake: It's a party where we find out the biological sex of the baby in a surprising way.
Roger Peralta: You better hope you're having a girl. Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.
Jake: What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.
Roger Peralta: Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.
Jake: Well, that's fun to hear.
Roger Peralta: Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

Jake: Oh, my God. Okay, so yes, fine, there's a bit of a trend. But we're not cursed. You and I are good. I bet you could even fix things up with your dad.
Roger Peralta: The Admiral? I always hoped that I could reconcile things with him one day, but he's not going to let that happen. What can I tell you? We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.
Roger Peralta: No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."
Jake: What?
Roger Peralta: "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hi, my name is Terry Jeffords. And I don't know how this is going to go...
Captain Holt: Wait!
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir.
Captain Holt: I'm Captain Raymond Holt of the 99th precinct, and I need to tell you about this man. Now, the audition piece he's about to play may not be technically perfect. In fact, it may hurt your ears. You may consider it an insult to music. You may whisper to each other, "'Muffin Man'? Pssh! More like Garbage Man."
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on.

Jake: I'm getting a text. Ooh. "I will see you soon, sir." Guess who that was.
Charles: Elton John.
Jake: What?
Charles: You said "sir," and that's on you.

Walter Peralta: Wow, it's really been quite a while, huh?
Jake: Yeah.
Walter Peralta: Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?
Jake: The "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories.

Walter Peralta: I'm so glad you reached out to me.
Jake: Same, you know, now that I'm having a baby of my own, I've started to realize how important father/son/grandfather relationships really are. Which reminds me, my dad is also coming.
Walter Peralta: He is? I'm surprised he wanted to see me.
Jake: Well, he doesn't exactly know you're here. I thought it might be cool to surprise both of you.
Walter Peralta: You know who else thought surprises were cool? Admiral Yamamoto, and we all know what happened then, huh?
Jake: We do?
Walter Peralta: Pearl Harbor.
Jake: Pearl Harbor, right. Some surprises can be bad. But this one's not gonna be. This one's gonna be good, just like...
Walter Peralta: The Battle of Midway.
Jake: The Bimble of Durbay. Yup. We both said the same thing at the same time.

Roger Peralta: What the hell is my father doing here?
Jake: You said you wanted to reconcile.
Roger Peralta: I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."
Jake: Well, you may get the chance sooner than you think. He keeps trailing off and staring into space.
Roger Peralta: [scoffs] That's his old trick. Whenever he doesn't want to talk about something, he does that. The old bastard.

Roger Peralta: Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.
Walter Peralta: She was the child I never had.
Roger Peralta: I was the child you did have. Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.
Jake: Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.
Walter Peralta: He's always been a floozy.

Carl Kurm: My boss is furious. You ruined my 25th birthday. I want those guys punished.
Amy: Understood. I'll talk to them right now.
[later:]
Amy: Without that witness, the DA has nothing. Kurm is pissed.
Rosa: It's true. He kept calling you guys the human centipede.
Hitchcock: Because we have our heads up our asses. Yes, we've heard that before.
Rosa: I never thought I'd say this, but you guys did the right thing.
Amy: Unfortunately, Kurm wants you disciplined. So effective tomorrow, you're each getting one week paid suspension.
Hitchcock: Like vacation?
Amy: You deserve this punishment!
Rosa: [whispers] It's punishment where you don't have to work.
Scully: And we can go anywhere we like?
Amy: You can go to hell for all I care!
Rosa: [whispers] Or to a resort where you're being scammed.
Scully: Figi. Good idea.
Amy: Now, get out of my face!
Rosa: [whispers] Have fun.

Jake: Attention, everyone. Thank you all so much for coming. Please gather around. We're going to cut the cake and find out what our baby's whole downstairs situation is.
Amy: Why the accent?
Jake: I don't know. I did so bad. I should have let you talk.
Amy: Yeah, you should have. I love you.

Captain Holt: But you would be wrong. This man has taught me something. He's taught me that music is about heart and soul. It's about perseverance. Despite everything I put him through, he showed up here today. And you would be a fool not to put him in your band.
Brenda Shawnks: Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant, what instrument do you play?
Sergeant Jeffords: The flute.
Brenda Shawnks: You're hired.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I haven't even played.
Brenda Shawnks: You're the only flute who auditioned. Welcome to the band.
Captain Holt: Yes! I did it!

Roger Peralta: Is my dad here?
Jake: No. I called him and he said... How do I put this?
Roger Peralta: That I'm a useless screw-up and he's done with me?
Jake: Yeah, something exactly like that, verbatim, sure. Look, I'm really sorry that I forced this whole reunion on you. I think our family might be cursed, and I'm going to be a bad dad.
Roger Peralta: No, I was wrong. There's no curse. My dad is just a selfish dick. And I was too. All the other Peralta dads, we probably just learned it from each other.
Jake: Or it's just in our genes.
Roger Peralta: No, you proved that wrong. You care, and you do the work. You're reading parenting books before your kid is even born. You tried to get me and Dad back together. Hell, you even fished my thumb out of the cake.
Jake: Yeah, that was gross.
Roger Peralta: You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.
Jake: I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.
Roger Peralta: Jake, you're going to be a great dad. And your son's gonna love you.
Jake: Thanks. And I think you're going to make a real good grandpa.
Roger Peralta: Hey, who's got two surgically reattached thumbs and is super proud of his son?
Jake: Oh, you don't have to...
Roger Peralta: This guy... [screams]

Jake: Hey, how are you feeling? How's the thumb?
Roger Peralta: Great, looks perfect. Like nothing ever happened.
Jake: It's the other thumb, Dad.
Roger Peralta: Oh, no, yeah, that looks bad.
Jake: The doctor said it might take a long time to heal, and that it might never be as long again.
Roger Peralta: My thumb? I don't care.

Amy: Hey. How's your dad doing?
Jake: Well, the doctor said he'll be okay, but his hands are basically claws now. I don't know why they think that's okay. Hey, listen, I'm sorry the cake was green.
Amy: It's okay. I'll love our little Shrek no matter what.

Jake: Oh, my God. That's right. You still don't know the sex of the baby. With all the craziness, I almost forgot. Emphasis on "almost."
Amy: What?
Jake: Well, I got another cake just for the two of us.
Amy: Jake, that's so sweet.
Jake: Here we go.
Amy: I'm so excited. It's empty. There's no cake inside.
Jake: What? Where'd it go?
[Scully enters with blue icing all around his mouth]
Scully: Hey, guys. Do you have any milk?
Amy: [gasps] We're having a boy?
Jake: We're having a boy!
Scully: [loudly] Hey, do you have milk or not?
Amy: Jeez.
Jake: God.

Amy: Hey, guys.
Jake: Hey, welcome home. I'd like you to meet my grandpa, Walter.
Amy: It's so nice to meet you.
Walter Peralta: Hello, things are normal here.
Roger Peralta: Yeah, everything's totally normal back here too, behind the chair.
Jake: Yup, and that was a normal thing to say. Are things normal with you, Amy?

Hitchcock: Wait!
[A fire extinguisher is thrown into the elevator]
Amy: What the hell?
Scully: Sorry, I didn't want to run, and that was the only way to stop the doors.
Rosa: It wasn't, and it didn't.
Scully: It worked, we're here.

Jake: Okay, we all heard the cake splat on the other side of the counter, which means we can probably assume you can see the color.
Roger Peralta: Why does that matter?
Jake: Because the color of the cake tells us if we're having a boy or a girl.
Roger Peralta: How can that baker tell?
Walter Peralta: Because the baker does the test.
Jake: No, the doctor does the test. Then the doctor calls the baker, and the baker makes the cake.
Walter Peralta: Okay, I hate to say this, but can you start over?

Jake: So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.
Roger Peralta: I wouldn't be so sure.
Jake: Dad, come on, all right?

Roger Peralta: It was dark. I crashed into the dock; I woke up in the hospital.
Jake: How was the girl?
Roger Peralta: Flexible. Man, she could put her leg... total...
Jake: No, I was... after the accident.
Roger Peralta: Oh, right! No. She was totally unhurt, thank goodness. But I was in the hospital for three weeks, and Admiral Ass never visited me once.
Walter Peralta: I warned you not to take the boat out. You make mistakes, you got to accept the consequences.
Roger Peralta: I'm your son!
Walter Peralta: And Walter was my daughter.

Roger Peralta: Jake, you don't get it. He's a heartless jerk. When I was in high school, I almost died. He didn't even visit me in the hospital.
Jake: Okay, so maybe start by asking him to apologize for that.
Walter Peralta: No, he should apologize to me for being in the hospital.
Jake: I'm starting to see the heartless thing now.

Roger Peralta: Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?
Walter Peralta: I do not.
Roger Peralta: That's on him. I tried.
Jake: I really don't think you did.

Jake: Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Roger Peralta: Okay. I'll be nice.
[later:]
Roger Peralta: I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
Jake: You said you were gonna be nice.
Roger Peralta: I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.
Jake: Dad!

Roger Peralta: Hey, Jakey.
Jake: Roger Peralta. Prepare to hug and cry. This is your father.
Walter Peralta: Dad, you son of a bitch.
Jake: Uh-oh. Ow!

Jake: No, it was my grandfather, the Admiral.
Charles: Whoa, you tracked him down?
Jake: Yup, he's on his way to my apartment right now. I'm going to fix his relationship with my dad. It's going to be very emotional.
Charles: It's going to be so dramatic. You should be producing for Ellen.
Jake: Do you really think so? 'Cause I actually have another idea for a segment where Ellen turns your home into a haunted house. I call it "Extreme Makeover: Bone Edition." But you know, I... I don't have to do it. I like being a cop.
Charles: And you're so good at it.

Charles: Okay, here's the cake. If it's pink on the inside, it's a girl. And if it's blue, it's a boy.
Jake: And why do you seem so bummed by that?
Charles: Because I still think you should have done the pig roast, where we start eating it from the snout, and discover the baby's sex when we get to the genitals.
Jake: Yeah, you know, Amy wanted to do that too, but I just don't see it.

Amy: Oh, God, what a nightmare.
Rosa: Agreed. Dude's a mess. You know he's only 24?
Amy: No, the Carroll Street case. I didn't realize that the mayor was interested in it, and I think I did something bad.
[later, Amy and Rosa stand in front of a sleeping Hitchock and Scully:]
Rosa: You gave Hitchcock and Scully an important case?
Both: [snoring]

Jake: Okay, fine, so you all knew we were pregnant. Good for you. But I bet you didn't figure out that we're having twins.
Charles: [gasps, faints]
Jake: No, not really. It's one baby. I just needed to see Charles faint.

Jake: Amy and I have some big news to share.
Amy: I'm pregnant.
Jake: We're pregnant!
[unenthusiastic murmurs]
Jake: What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.
Charles: I'm so sorry, I'll try. [inhales] It's not working. Somebody choke me.
Rosa: On it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa.