Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Jake: So you agree it was a setup. I have your unbridled support?
Captain Holt: My support is extremely bridled. You have circumstantial evidence at best.

Jake: Oh, I've never seen this face before. Wait, is that...
Captain Holt: Yes, he's made me huffy. Do you know what happens when you refuse to punish cops for their mistakes, when police are treated as a separate class of citizen above the law? It breeds a lack of trust in the community, and that lack of trust means people won't help us with our investigations or testify or even call us when they're in danger. It makes them more scared of us than of criminals and gangsters. It makes them run when we approach, even though they've done nothing wrong. It makes the people see us as the enemy, which leads to more confrontation, more distrust. You wonder how Peralta can do his job when he's held accountable for his actions? I wonder how any of us can do our job if he's not.
Frank O'Sullivan: What a bunch of bunk. The city's gonna settle. There are not gonna be any suspensions. Take the win.

Captain Holt: Interesting, you two are sure you want to be involved with this?
Rosa: Investigating O'Sullivan? Yeah, that dude sucks. He tried to blackmail me.
[flashback:]
Frank O'Sullivan: If you don't stop harassing my officers, I will release proof that you are bisexual.
Rosa: Already came out.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, come on. You can't blackmail anyone anymore.

Captain Holt: We're adding intimidation to the charges against you.
Jake: I know, you're both mad and disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm neither. I'm displeased.
Jake: Is that worse?
Captain Holt: Yes. Of my 16 potential reactions, only one is stronger, and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery for Jake Peralta.
Jake: Oh, that's me. I didn't order a pizza, though. Someone must know I've been having a hard day.
Pizza Delivery Guy: You've been served.
Jake: What? Come on!
Hitchcock: [on video call] Been there, brother. What did you get served?
Jake: Oh, you. I'm being sued for wrongful arrest.
Hitchcock: No, I don't care about that. I'm talking pizza toppings. The District Court does a great pepperoni.
Jake: You know what? Why are you even talking to me? Scully's taking a nap. What are you doing on there?
Hitchcock: I miss my old role in the Nine-Nine... Hitchcock, the wise sage, always helping people through their troubles.
Jake: That was never your role.

Captain Holt: Peralta, we need to talk.
Jake: I know. You're not mad. You're just disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm actually both mad and disappointed.
Jake: What? You can't be both! You are either Mad Dad or Sad Dad... pick a lane.

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Rosa: So you lost a Speed That sucks. At least you didn't have a Sister Act taken from you.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Bracco confessed. The undercover operation is over.
Rosa: But I just got a spot in the choir.
[present:]
Jake: Wait, is that the real reason you left the force?
Rosa: It didn't help.

Amy: I mean, I wouldn't put it past O'Sullivan. He is desperate to kill our reform program.
Captain Holt: True, he tried to blackmail me before.
[flashback:]
Frank O'Sullivan: If you don't give me what I want, I will release proof that you are a homosexual.
Captain Holt: I came out years ago.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, you're impossible.

Jake: There you are. I found proof that this was a setup. Look, the victim lied about his address. Zip!
Captain Holt: What's that?
Jake: That's the sound of your bridle unzipping. Unbridled support from earlier?
Captain Holt: You don't know what a bridle is, do you?
Jake: I do not. We're getting sidetracked.

Scully: What the heck? This isn't my order.
Sergeant Jeffords: What, did they give you sour straws instead of sour ropes? I specifically said...
Scully: No, it's just apples! Terry, you sick son of a bitch.

Jake: Once I realized he was lying, I looked at his social media. He starts rehearsals for a rock musical in Florida on Monday.
Captain Holt: That tracks. Theater like that belongs in the swamps.
Jake: Well, yeah, obviously, I can't disagree, but the point is we're running out of time.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sugar. [hums melody] ♪ Oh, Scully, Scully ♪ [hums melody] ♪ You are my candy friend ♪
Charles: Boring! No costume change much?

Captain Holt: [answers phone] This is Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk?
Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. What do I do?
Captain Holt: Uh, British accent.
Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.
Captain Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?
Amy: No, he didn't. Me 'usband wasn't set up at all. 'e wasn't, but me big problem now is that me 'usband can't be reached by me telly.
Captain Holt: Please stop talking like that.
Amy: Okay.

Rosa: Okay. I'm calling Holt. This is a failure.
Amy: No, wait, wait. I have an idea.
Rosa: Oh, I bet it's great.
Amy: Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan, they think we all look the same, right? So you dress as Amy. You take my place. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius?
Rosa: That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there. Oh, you're on the floor.

Amy: And that is why Kristy and the Snobs is the best Baby-Sitters Club Book ever. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes.
Rosa: That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do. [slaps Amy]
Amy: Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs?
Rosa: That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. Slapping's the only way.
Amy: Oh, I think it worked. And I just want to say, what makes Kristy and the Snobs so good is the snobs. [Rosa slaps Amy again] Their names are Tiffany and Shannon, and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind, which is so sad.

Charles: Hey, Lieutenant, I think we should talk. How you doing?
[Sergeant Jeffords holds up a legal pad which has "APPLE BROKE MOUTH" written on it]
Charles: Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Sir, I want to apologize.
Sergeant Jeffords: [muffled speech]
Charles: Okay, I have no idea what you're saying. Look, I know the union set us up, but we let it happen. Your friendship means the world to me, and I would hate for it to be destroyed by a competition to sell more candy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Me too.
Hitchcock: [on video call] You guys are selling candy? There's nothing good here. Could one of you ship to Brazil? [both chuckling]
[Sergeant Jeffords jumps from his chair, throws a drink over Charles' crotch, and then grabs the iPad]
Charles: Oh! You sneaky son of a bitch!

Jake: Well, you have every right to be. I know I messed up. I just never imagined myself as someone who would make a mistake like that, and then I just made it worse, you know?
Frank O'Sullivan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Learning a lesson? You don't have any lessons to learn. You didn't do anything wrong.
Captain Holt: What do you want, O'Sullivan?
Frank O'Sullivan: This is Mel Jenkins... City attorney in charge of payoffs and bribes.
Mel Jenkins: Uh, not my title. I handle tort claims.
Frank O'Sullivan: Whatever. Mel and I just had ourselves a little chat over morning drinks.
Jake: More drinks?
Frank O'Sullivan: Relax, it was just a couple of breakfast beers. So the department is going to settle without mitting any wrongdoing, and because the facts of the case will remain unresolved, there will be no suspension for Marzipan or Peralta.
Captain Holt: How's that possible? Peralta arrested and harassed an innocent man.
Frank O'Sullivan: Come on, now, these are cops. They got to make split-second decisions in life-or-death situations, and they can't be expected to get that 100% correct every single time.
Captain Holt: This was not a life-or-death situation.
Frank O'Sullivan: Sure, but next time it might be. And how can this one be expected to do his job when he knows that any teeny-tiny lapse in judgment could end with you branding him a dirty cop and ruining his life?

Captain Holt: Attention, everyone, a bomb was just found on a bus in Downtown Brooklyn.
Jake: Oh, my God, a bomb on a bus. It's a Speed? I get to work a Speed?
Captain Holt: That sentence is nonsensical. One can work with speed, but one certainly cannot work a speed.
Jake: Speed is a movie. I won't let you ruin this!

Jake: Wait. What if I admit I made an error and apologize?
Frank O'Sullivan: He is speaking hypothetically. You'll notice he never used the S word and he never used the M word.
Jake: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
Frank O'Sullivan: Holy [bleep]! Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific.
Jake: I arrested a man without a sufficient probable cause in a case I was removed from.
Frank O'Sullivan: He has no idea what he's talking about.
Jake: I then followed my victim to his home...
Frank O'Sullivan: Now's a good time for us to leave.
Jake: In an act that could only be seen as police intimidation.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: I take full responsibility for my mistake, and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: And what's more, I'm very, very sorry!
Mel Jenkins: Yeah, he has to be suspended. I'm sorry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, don't you start.

Jake: All right, then I guess we just have to prove it.
Captain Holt: Absolutely not. You can't investigate your accuser. It's retaliation.
Jake: Which is why the investigation will focus only on O'Sullivan and be led by someone from the outside. A friend, a confidant, a...
Captain Holt: Diaz.
Jake: Yes. Damn it, you kind of stepped on the dramatic entrance we had planned, and you threw off our...
Rosa: Me.
Jake: Timing. The point is Amy and Rosa will head up the investigation, and the entrance worked perfectly.

Jake: Has anyone heard from the bomber? Has he made any demands?
Agent Feingold: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Special Agent Feingold, FBI. This is our case. You're not a part of it.
Jake: Oh, man! You ruined it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, it's our favorite time of year. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive! I took the liberty of duplicating your order from last year. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you.
Scully: Oh, about that, I don't know if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? But we've been in business together since pre-K.
Charles: I know, but there's someone else.
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone else?
Scully: It's not you. It's me. My taste in candy changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey.
Scully: Please don't bring the kids into this.
Sergeant Jeffords: The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now!
Charles: The other man is me. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're cheating on me with Boyle?

Jake: Look, O'Sullivan said he could make my suspension go away if just "played ball." He's clearly trying to get me to lean on you to kill your program.
Captain Holt: This doesn't sound like a setup. O'Sullivan didn't make you arrest an innocent man.
Jake: Or did he? Think about it. Marzipan, who I never liked, by the way, was the one who gave me the address to the bus lot. I think he and O'Sullivan made sure there was a "suspect" there for me to arrest.
Captain Holt: You think the victim was a plant?
Jake: Well, I didn't believe it either until I checked the guy's file. Guess what he does for a living? Actor. Huh? Come on, sir, you hate actors!
Captain Holt: I don't hate actors. I hate colleges that award diplomas for acting.

Jake: Look, I don't care that I lost a Speed. I care that the FBI is not taking the case seriously. They think the bomber is just some idiot, but what if he's not an idiot? What if he wanted it to go off at midnight? Oh, my God. He wanted it to go off at midnight.
Rosa: Why? Wouldn't it just be an empty parking lot with nobody in it?
Jake: Yeah, but there could be a target there, which he would try to hit again. There's gonna be a second bomb, just like in Speed! [gasps] I've got a Speed again!
Rosa: I thought you said you didn't care about it being a Speed.
Jake: Of course, I care about it being a Speed! That's all I care about! I've got to go!
Rosa: You owe me money for this.
Jake: Good one, Rosa!

Jake: Agent Feingold, our guys were on the scene first. We're not gonna let you take the case. Tell him, sir.
Captain Holt: We're letting you take the case.
Jake: What? But I said that so cool!

Captain Holt: Peralta, you made an arrest in the bus bombing?
Jake: Yes, look, I know that I was told to back off, but something just didn't sit right, so I went back up there, and I caught the guy. He was snooping around. Now, he's not talking yet...
Captain Holt: Because he didn't do it.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: The feds already solved the case. There were prints on the bomb, which led to a suspect who confessed immediately.
Jake: Well, why didn't anyone tell me that?
Captain Holt: 'Cause they didn't have to because it's not your case.
Jake: So I arrested an innocent person?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: Oh... that's not okay. Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool.
Captain Holt: Are you saying cool or uncool?
Jake: Uncool. It's just hard to say it fast, but this is bad!

Jake: All right, look, I know that I brought in the wrong guy, but I'm telling you, something doesn't add up, and for what it's worth, I made sure he was let out as soon as I knew what was going on.
Captain Holt: He was in processing for ten hours, which made him late for work, which meant he got fired. He's suing you and the department for wrongful arrest. I'm gonna have to suspend you.
Jake: [sighs] Ugh, okay, this is really bad, and I'm sor...
Frank O'Sullivan: Stop talking. What's going on here? Were you about to say the S word?
Jake: The S word? "Sorry"?
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, good God, don't say it out loud, man!
Captain Holt: Why are you here, O'Sullivan? Peralta isn't even in the patrolman's union.
Frank O'Sullivan: I'm here to protect Marzipan. He and Peralta worked very closely together on this one.
Captain Holt: Seriously, Peralta, Marzipan? With all the open I.A. investigations against him?
Jake: I've met him, like, one time. I don't even know his first name.
Frank O'Sullivan: His name is David. David Duke Marzipan.
Jake: David Duke Marzipan?!
Frank O'Sullivan: Hey, don't you go profiling him for what he changed his name to. You can't judge a book by its cover.
Jake: You can if it's written by David Duke.

Captain Holt: Look, Peralta made a mistake...
Frank O'Sullivan: Holy crap, you didn't use the M word, did you?
Jake: No.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, thank God. Because the M word is just about the worst thing you can say if you're a cop. Besides, the real point here is, what was the perp doing snooping around a bus lot at night?
Jake: The victim cuts through that lot on his way home when it's open, and it was open because Peralta picked the lock.
Frank O'Sullivan: What a bunch of bunk. Why'd the perp run away unless he was guilty of something?
Captain Holt: Because he was understandably scared of interacting with a cop.
Frank O'Sullivan: I see... Well, that excuse hasn't worked in the last 15 cases against Marzipan, and I don't think it'll work now.
Jake: 15?
Frank O'Sullivan: Peralta, I can make all of this disappear. That's what the police union does. But you got to play ball with me, son. What do you say?
Jake: Sir, can I speak with you in private, please?

Jake: All right, tell me about the bus. Was it headed to the courthouse?
Sergeant Jeffords: It wasn't an MTA bus. It was that. A Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel tour bus.
Jake: No, you're not ruining this!

Jake: Can we please just focus! The bomb could go off at any moment.
Captain Holt: [phone chimes] Actually, it can't. It's already been defused.
Jake: Oh, well, there's still a bomber on the loose. You can't ruin this!

Charles: [sings] ♪ Oh, who could take a sunrise ♪ ♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ [laughs] ♪ Cover it in chocolate ♪ ♪ And a miracle or two? ♪ ♪ The candy man can ♪
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, so you're just gonna do your business all out in the open like some common candy ho?
Charles: You're just jealous.

Scully: Boyle, where's my candy?
Charles: What?
Scully: The box is full of sand. Or maybe it's sugar. [spits] Oh, it's not sugar. It's sand. Is this some sort of sick joke?
Charles: There was candy in there earlier. Maybe it fell out?
Scully: I don't want excuses, bitch! I want my candy! The vending machine is broken, and you're my only snack source.
Sergeant Jeffords: He doesn't have to be. I still have your purchase order.
Charles: You. You did this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Please, I would never do something that childish, and you would know that if you weren't a big, stinky dumb-dumb who smelled like butts.

Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, there she is, my archnemesis.
Amy: You're a cop, O'Sullivan. Shouldn't your archnemesis be a criminal?
Frank O'Sullivan: No.
Amy: Okay, what do you want?
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, I came here to reach a truce with you over your pilot program that persecutes the uniformed officers in my union.
Amy: Its aim is to reduce instances in which armed cops are needlessly interacting with civilians. It could save lives and restore trust with the community.
Frank O'Sullivan: That's persecution, plain and simple. But I don't want to fight with you. I'd rather be civilized and reach some common ground over a drink.
Amy: It's the middle of the day.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, that's how business gets done in the real world.
Amy: Look, I'm not changing the pilot program.
Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, have it your way, but I got to say, you're going to be sorry.
Amy: Are you threatening me?
Frank O'Sullivan: No, I'm informing you that I hold a lot of power, and unless you're willing to play ball with me, I will wield said power against you. Again, not a threat, but go ahead and change your mind, or else. All the best.

Agent Feingold: Sorry, guy, guess you're just gonna have to let the big boys handle it.
Jake: Please just let us help you. This is an all-hands-on-deck situation. I could be a good resource. Here, watch this. What's up, Officer Marzipan?
Officer Marzipan: Oh, hey.
Jake: You're gonna want that kind of shorthand with Marzipan if you want to catch this guy.
Agent Feingold: We don't need all hands on deck. The bomb was rigged with a chintzy $4 watch set to explode at 12:00 a.m.
Jake: Midnight? But there wouldn't be anybody on it.
Agent Feingold: Yeah, the idiot clearly meant to set it for noon. We're not dealing with a mastermind here. I'm sure there's prints all over the place.
Jake: I don't know... I've just got a gut feeling there's more to this.
Agent Feingold: Oh, a gut feeling? You know what your gut tells you to do most of the time? Take a dump. And you just took a big one all over yourself.
Jake: Okay, well, I don't have a comeback for that, so I'm just gonna go. [sniffs] Agent Feingold.

Jake: Hey, man. What are you doing here? What a weird coincidence.
Amy: [Cockney accent] Do a British accent.

Amy: [bell dinging] Jake, oh, thank God we found you in time.
Jake: We?
Amy: Me and Rosa, duh.
Jake: Rosa's not with you.
Amy: Right. I lost her when she rode down the stairs to the subway. [laughing] It was so funny!
Jake: Okay, just shh, 'cause my guy is in there.
Amy: By the way, I really like that hat. You look like a little narc.
Jake: And you enjoy that?
Amy: Oh, yeah.

Jake: Wow. That was amazing. We beat him. I can't believe it actually worked out okay.
Captain Holt: You're suspended for five months.
Jake: Right, I know. But I deserve it. And I learned a valuable lesson from all this, so I'm counting it as a win.
Captain Holt: I get that, Peralta, but things will be a lot better when a man doesn't have to lose his job for you to learn a lesson.
Jake: Yeah, fair enough. Thank you, sir. It was crazy when you got huffy.
Captain Holt: I was so huffy.
Jake: I got scared.
Captain Holt: Wow.
Jake: Yeah.

Frank O'Sullivan: Now, what's going on?
Amy: You set up my husband! You're using him to blackmail me into dropping police reform. We're getting you drunk so you can admit it.
Frank O'Sullivan: I'm not blackmailing Jake. When I blackmail somebody, you'll know it. I own my blackmailing.
Amy: Then what did you mean when you said I'd be sorry if I didn't drop police reform?
Frank O'Sullivan: I was talking about taking your snacks.
Amy: Huh?
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, come on. Who do you think broke the vending machine that got Detective Flat Top all riled up, stole Detective Little Guy's candy shipment, and swapped out Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy for seasonal fruit?
Rosa: Your people.
Frank O'Sullivan: Bingo. And it's driving your guys crazy. Now, if your precinct would like to get their candy back. I'd be willing to negotiate.
Amy: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So when you told Jake you could get him out of his suspension, that wasn't blackmail?
Frank O'Sullivan: If I am passionate about one thing, it's getting cops off without punishment. How dare you turn that into something dirty? Shame on the both of you.

Frank O'Sullivan: Well, now, what the hell am I looking at?
Both: Nothing.
Rosa: Oops.
Amy: You're drunk, and you're seeing double.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, give me a break. You can't really think I'm that stupid.
Rosa: I mean, we've been switching places for the last two hours, and you didn't notice, so...
Frank O'Sullivan: That's 'cause I don't look at women's eyes when I'm talking to 'em.

Rosa: I'm so drunk. He's had beers, and he's not even slurring his words.
Amy: Well, I feel better. I had some floor pretzels. Let's switch places again.
Rosa: Yes, two of us can outdrink that son of a bitch.

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do it! Boyle must have!
Charles: I would never do that. This is just what happens when you order candy from a candy child and not a candy man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll show you a candy man. [throws apple]
Charles: Hey, what the hell? Oh, you picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why is that?
Charles: Because I was MVP of my fast-pitch softball summer camp.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, I'm so scared...
[Terry is knocked down by an apple Charles threw at his head]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh! Ow.

Amy: [on the phone] Hey. I just got home. Where are you?
Jake: Sorry, I'm checking out the lot where the bus parks at night.
Amy: Ugh, but Holt told you not to. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out.
Jake: Not when I bust the bomber. Marzipan gave me the lot's address. He's actually helping me out because of our intimate shorthand.
Amy: You know, Marzipan's kind of a bad dude. We're desperately trying to fire him.
Jake: No, I did not know that! Why didn't anyone tell me that before I pretended to be friends with him?

Frank O'Sullivan: What's going on here?
Rosa: Uh, nothing.
Frank O'Sullivan: Nothing? I distinctly remember you saying we were moving on to shots. And yet you bring us more beers? You got to do a better job than that, Santiago.
Rosa: Right, right, I guess we'll just have to shoot these, then.
Frank O'Sullivan: Yes, we will!

Jake: I just had an epiphany.
Captain Holt: That you're fallible and you made an M word.
Jake: Absolutely not. This whole thing is a setup!

Amy: Okay, so here's the plan. O'Sullivan likes to do deals over drinks. So I invite him to Shaw's and order us a couple beers. I nod along as he talks about how surprisingly cool his mom is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he talks about how horrible his ex-wife is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he kind of implies he wishes his wife was his mom.
Frank O'Sullivan: Nobody spoons like my mom.
Amy: But I'm not the only one who's one listening. O'Sullivan's a blowhard, so he just needs a little push. Get him drunk enough, eventually he'll just come out and admit that he set Jake up. The plan is flawless.
[later:]
Amy: So there's one flaw with my plan.
Rosa: O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed, and you're totally hammered?
Amy: I'm so hammered!

Jake: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. The union set me up. Think about it. O'Sullivan told Amy if she didn't drop her pilot program, "she'd be sorry," and now suddenly, I'm being threatened with suspension?
Captain Holt: Sure, but he threatened her, not you.
Jake: We're married. We're a team.
Amy: Really? What about when I wanted to run a half marathon together and you told me to rot in hell?
Jake: That was clearly a playful joke.
Amy: So will you run the half marathon with me?
Jake: No, I would die!