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Quotes from ‘Renewal’

Renewal

Renewal
Season 8, Episode 8 - Aired September 2, 2021

As Captain Holt and Kevin prepare to renew their wedding vows, Jake and Holt team up for one last case to investigate whether Frank O'Sullivan (John C. McGinley) hacked the CompStat numbers.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So... what do you think about this new job?
Jake: I think you gotta take it. I mean, first of all, it's a huge promotion, so cha-ching, but more importantly, it's the culmination of all your hard work and a chance to make a real impact. And also, cha-ching.
Amy: What's with all the cha-chings? Oh, no. You bought something dumb.
Jake: No, I invested in something dumb. It's an NFT of Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles eating pizza. But not to worry, because it is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to TurtleBucks?

Quote from Captain Holt

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Well, that should keep him busy for a bit.
Charles: That was smart, but I don't think we should mess with Cheddar too much.
Rosa: Why not? He's an animal.
Charles: Animals can be very vengeful, Rosa.
Rosa: Is this about Lieutenant...
Charles: Of course it's about Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Rosa: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: But I just received an email from my contact at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.
Jake: Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done, can you please tell Amy you're retiring? I don't like lying to her.
Captain Holt: So then you told her about the Top Shot?
Jake: I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment in The Rock's new cryptocurrency, which is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, look, all's not lost. I have the laptop. We just need to get in touch with someone from the Nine-Nine so they can get us out of here. Give me your phone.
Captain Holt: I left it back at the venue so Kevin couldn't track it and know I was gone. Use yours.
Jake: Mine's dead. I used up all the battery mining for MetsCoin. It's the first cryptocurrency that is also the Mets? I don't know what I'm doing in this space.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Have you seen Cheddar? The officiant is wondering how he'd like to be introduced.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, look alive. He's here.
Frank O'Sullivan: You the guy selling the memorabilia?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah.
Frank O'Sullivan: Where did you get this stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: I used to haul amps for him.
Frank O'Sullivan: Yeah? Which tours?
Sergeant Jeffords: The, you know...
Amy: [in ear piece] Oh, Terry, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Not Ready to Say Goodbye tour.
Frank O'Sullivan: Never heard of that one.
Sergeant Jeffords: You haven't? That's weird. Maybe you just weren't paying attention.
Amy: Sorry. I'm on Billy Joel's wiki now.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've done other tours too, like...
Amy: Innocent Man and The Bridge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Innocent Man and The Bridge.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Frank O'Sullivan: What's in the box?
Sergeant Jeffords: An early draft of the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Frank O'Sullivan: "Eisenhower, vaccine, side salad, mixed greens." What is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I guess, while he was writing the song, he must have accidentally included his lunch order. Anyway, that's 10K.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh. What's the sticky stuff?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I grabbed that out of the trash in his dressing room. It must be gum. Look, I'm so sorry. Just let me have that back.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah-ah, not so fast. This has been in William Martin Joel's mouth. His tongue touched this.
Amy: [in ear piece] Wait. What's happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's this, now?
Frank O'Sullivan: That is $10,000. And I'm keeping the gum.
Amy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Lastly, on a personal note, as many of you know, Kevin and I have recently reconciled.
Jake: Noice. Somebody's getting some.
Captain Holt: It's true. I am.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [Cheddar barks] That's odd. He only barks like that when he's worried about Raymond.
Rosa: Oh, Cheddar's not worried about Holt. I saw him eat a shrimp off the platter earlier. I bet he just wants more.
Kevin: Hmm, Cheddar doesn't usually indulge in shrimp. He considers it bougie. Speaking of indulging, the gray boutonniere should've arrived by now, hmm.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Use the landline. Call Santiago.
Jake: Great idea.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Jake: Just one problem. I don't know her number.
Captain Holt: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Captain Holt: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.
Jake: But you know the name of my son, right?
[flashbacks:]
Captain Holt: The little guy has his mother's eyes.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: Rough night with the little guy?
Captain Holt: Oh, hello there, the little guy.
[present:]
Jake: How did I never see that? Am I a bad detective?
Captain Holt: We don't have time to go into that.
Jake: It would've been much faster to just say, "No, you're great."

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Ah, what are we gonna do?
Jake: All right, look, there's one number I still have memorized that could help, my middle school friend Mikey J.'s old landline.
Captain Holt: Do you have any reason to believe that Mikey J. still resides there?
Jake: Well, we were in a ska band together in high school, so I'm thinking the odds are good.

Quote from Jake

Jake: A grown adult with a man cave. This is so embarrassing. Oh, my God, he has root beer on tap. [breathes shakily]

Quote from Jake

Jake: [on the phone] Come on, Mrs. Joseph. I was at your house all the time. Remember, you caught us wearing your bras so we could practice unclasping them? Hello. Hello. [puts down receiver] Ugh. What? You have no idea what it's like taking bras off. You had it so easy growing up gay.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: The ceremony's about to start and O'Sullivan's about to come home and catch us. It seems the reform proposal is as dead as my marriage.
Jake: I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I was so desperate for us to have one last cool case together that I forced you into this.
Captain Holt: [sighs] No, Jake. The truth is... I enjoyed it. I had fun being Maxwell Maxwell.
Jake: Yes. I knew it was a good idea.
Captain Holt: And I hate myself for it.
Jake: Damn it. I interjected too soon.
Captain Holt: It makes me scared that... I'm not ready to retire, no matter how much I want to for Kevin's sake. I mean, clearly, there's a part of me that still wants to work cases. What if I'm making the wrong choice?
Jake: It's completely understandable that you would feel that way. You've devoted your whole life to this. It's who you are. But you're also Kevin's husband.
Captain Holt: What would you do?
Jake: [sighs] I'm not sure. But I know that when things are hard, I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seemed so complicated becomes simple. And then... I just know.

Quote from Kevin

Captain Holt: [door bangs shut, footsteps] What's that?
Jake: That's O'Sullivan. He's coming home.
Kevin: [o.s.] NYPD. Step away from the door.
Captain Holt: Wait, that voice.
Kevin: [enters] Neighbors reported seeing two men enter from an unmarked van, then heard yelling.
Jake: Uh... There's been a misunderstanding, Officer.
Kevin: You are under arrest, punk.
Carol: You jags are so screwed.
Jake: [whispering] I love your hat.

Quote from Kevin

Captain Holt: Kevin, I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself for working today. I want you to know that this will be my last assignment for the NYPD. I'm retiring.
Kevin: Well, that seems like an extreme reaction.
Captain Holt: No, I want this... for us.
Kevin: That's not for us. I never wanted you to give up your career. Putting our relationship first doesn't mean you can't have anything else in your life. It just means prioritizing me over stupid little stuff.
Jake: Like returning lost mittens to dumb kids.
Kevin: No, that actually sounds quite rewarding.
Jake: Really?
Kevin: This reform program is not a little thing. It could fundamentally change the police. I just wish you had told me so I could've helped from the start.
Captain Holt: I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Apology accepted.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jake, I'm serious. I don't know if I can do this job and still be an equal parent. I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac on the odd days? And who's gonna bathe him on the even days? And who's gonna do the cooking? And who's gonna figure out...
Jake: Ames, we'll figure all that stuff out.
Amy: How can you be so sure?
Jake: I just know.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: So what are we gonna do?
Jake: I have a plan. We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers if we find this.
Rosa: What is that, a bed?
Charles: No, that's a cheese grater.
Jake: It's his computer. Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Now, when we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.
[flashback:]
Justice of the Peace: Do you, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes.
Justice of the Peace: And do you...
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, we do. We're married.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Sergeant Jeffords: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Captain Holt: We got the salad forks. Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are? [laughs] Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even wanna tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No, the big surprise is... I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait.
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: You're leaving the NYPD?
Captain Holt: My preoccupation with my job has been a point of contention with Kevin for some time now. I wanna show him that our relationship comes first.
Jake: But, sir, it's too soon for you to retire. We didn't even get to do one final cool case together. The last thing we worked was finding that kid's missing mitten.
Captain Holt: I thought that was rewarding and poignant.
Jake: It was boring as crap!
Captain Holt: What were you hoping for otherwise?
Jake: I'm so glad you asked. We hunt down a serial killer, stare death in the face, and then in the final battle, you save my life and I say to you, "How can I ever repay you?" And you say, "You already have." Then you jump on your motorcycle, drive off, never to be seen again.
Captain Holt: I don't have a motorcycle, but Kevin and I did just purchase recumbent bicycles.
Jake: [bleep] you, Captain Holt.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Anyway, I already have a cool final case that I'm working on: the police reform proposal that Santiago and I have been toiling over for these past six months.
Jake: Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy. She's gonna be devastated.
Captain Holt: Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you. I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal. We can tell her after we turn the report in. Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.
Jake: Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about that time you spent $1,000 on a Patrick Ewing Top shot?
Jake: That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her. But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot is currently worth... Oh, no. I will keep your secret for $992.
Captain Holt: Deal.
Jake: Great, let's lie to my wife.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Ah, hello. Thank you for coming early to help out. There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top. I mean, look at the napkins. We're going with a pretty whimsical fold... lengthwise.
Sergeant Jeffords: That is... funny.
Kevin: The intent was whimsy, not humor. Now you have me doubting everything.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: There you are. Why are you hiding?
Captain Holt: Oh, I was just looking at pornography. I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.
Jake: And that's worse than watching porn?
Captain Holt: Much worse. Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: We can't tell her. Things aren't settled. The brass is having a closed-door meeting today about our reform proposal, but apparently, the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.
Jake: That's crazy. Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me. Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: What? This isn't correct. Somebody changed these since last night.
Jake: Wait. I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system. Do you know what this means?
Captain Holt: They're trying to kill...
Jake: Jake and Holt...
Captain Holt: Police reform.
Jake: Have a final case. Yep. Mm-hmm. Two equally important sets of stakes.

Quote from Jake

Charles: He claims you messed with the numbers? That son of a bitch.
Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: We just have to get the laptop so I can get back to Kevin. You will simply approach her and say...
[later:]
Jake: Ma'am, I need to check your water heater in the basement to make sure there's no leaks or blockages to the gas line.
Carol: You should maybe come back later when my son is home. He's better at this stuff.
Jake: Oh, it's just a quick check.
Carol: The answer is no.
Captain Holt: Sorry about him. He's a little abrasive. [unzips overalls] The name is Maxwell Maxwell.
Carol: Carol.
Captain Holt: You see, the thing about gas lines is, the pressure just builds and builds. Sometimes... it just needs a little release. [moans]
Carol: Well, we wouldn't want that. You can go down to the basement now, Mitch.
Jake: Yeah, sounds good. Have fun, you two.

Quote from Captain Holt

Kevin: Raymond? What are you all doing in here?
Captain Holt: Um... Peralta's watching porn.
Kevin: What?
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Peralta's watching a handyman repair a squeaky door and then [bleep] his customer.
Kevin: Is that true, Jake?
Jake: ... [quietly] Yes.
Kevin: I wish I could say I was surprised.
Captain Holt: Told you it was a great cover.
Jake: Not for me!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma, we need undercover personas. I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell, international playboy and black ops specialist. He'd had affairs on every continent, but his true mistress is danger.
Captain Holt: I thought you learned your lesson about turning police work into movies.
Jake: Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform. I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?
Captain Holt: The only movie I wanna see is called The World of Mosses. It's a documentary about the world of mosses.
Jake: It sounds bad.
Captain Holt: Now, we will go in dressed as gas company employees named Mitch and Henry.
Jake: Ugh. At least tell me I'm Henry.
[later:]
Jake: Hello, ma'am. We're from the gas company. My name is... Mitch.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Okay, this is how we'll get O'Sullivan's print: fast-drying dental resin.
O'Sullivan touches this, leaves an imprint, and we have a mold, Which we use to make a fake finger that will fool 99% of biometric scanners. Pretty sweet, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I thought Holt retiring would crush your mood, but it hasn't.
Amy: Wait. Holt's retiring?
Sergeant Jeffords: You knew that. He said he would tell you when you handed in your reform proposal, and you handed it in, and he told you.
Amy: No, he didn't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, then I just told you. But you're still taking it well. Amy? Amy! [cell phone chimes] O'Sullivan just texted. He'll be here in three. You gotta hide! Um... I'm just gonna pick you up and carry you like furniture, okay?

Quote from Kevin

Rosa: Look alive. Kevin's on your six.
Kevin: Do you know where Raymond is?
Scully: Yes, I do. He's, um... Come on, Scully. Think of something.
Kevin: "Think of something". What does that mean?
Rosa: [knocks over a vase] Cheddar did it.
Kevin: Cheddar, I know you wanted us to go with the other vase. I have a different aesthetic sense than you, and it's my day. Sorry you had to witness that. I will get a broom.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release." [moans] You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Captain Holt: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer thanks to his YouTube rants about the NHL.
Frank O'Sullivan: [video] This is Islanders Talk, and today's topic: can hockey have female fans?
Jake: Yeah, he's not a good person. Anyway, those videos are taken in the "man cave" in O'Sullivan's basement, so that's gotta be where his laptop is. Holt and I will be infiltrating his house and retrieving it.
Sergeant Jeffords: How are you gonna get past him?
Jake: He won't be home. We're gonna lure him out using his one weakness.
[flash-forward:]
Frank O'Sullivan: Rare Billy Joel memorabilia sale?
Carol: Oh, that's nice, hear.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah.
[present:]
Jake: O'Sullivan will meet with an ex-roadie named Geronimo Rodriguez, who will actually be an undercover Terry Jeffords, our resident Billy Joel superfan.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was one time. You caught me lip-synching to "Uptown Girl" one time.
Jake: Nope, he's your favorite singer; everybody knows it.
Captain Holt: And you're the only one O'Sullivan hasn't interacted with. If he stumps you, Santiago will be nearby, feeding you Billy Joel facts into your ear.
Jake: You guys need to keep him busy and then use a piece of fake memorabilia to get a fingerprint we can use to unlock his laptop.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, here's your resin. Do your magic.
Amy: You're not gonna scold me for almost ruining the mission?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Amy, I get it. But look, you don't need Holt to succeed. You are the most capable person I know.
Amy: Thanks, Terry. Now, let's go get this mold to Jake and Holt. [raises arms]
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing?
Amy: I thought you could carry me again. It was very comforting.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Amy: Thank you, Terry. I love you.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait! I want that back. I was only selling the lyrics. If I knew about the gum, I would've charged you more.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, a bunch of bunk. You set a price, I hit the bid. End of story.
Amy: [in ear piece] Terry, if we don't get that fingerprint, we won't be able to open his laptop and they'll kill our reform program.
Sergeant Jeffords: Please! I really need that gum.
Frank O'Sullivan: You can beg all you want. A deal is a deal.
Amy: Oh, God, it's all falling apart. Everything good in my life...
Frank O'Sullivan: Look, you don't understand how special this is, so you don't deserve to have it.
Amy: Happened when he showed up. I mean, Jake is only...
Frank O'Sullivan: I can't even believe you worked for William Martin Joel...
Amy: The mostly mature man that he is because of Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: And rummaged through his trash.
Amy: So he'll backslide, and then our marriage will fall apart.
Frank O'Sullivan: So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Amy: And our son will grow up in a broken home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God, enough! You need to move on!
Amy: Are you talking to me?
Frank O'Sullivan: You talking to me?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I'm talking to you. You need to move on.
Amy: From Captain Holt?
Frank O'Sullivan: From Billy Joel?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not healthy to have your entire identity wrapped up in another person.
Amy: I know, but Raymond Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: I know, but Billy Joel...
Both: Taught me everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: But look what it's doing to you. Just look at yourself right now.
Amy: I guess I am kind of messing up this mission.
Frank O'Sullivan: I guess I could use the money for the bank so they don't take my ma's house.
Amy: Thank you, Terry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Thank you, Geronimo Rodriguez.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: Oh, no.
Kevin: Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, hi, Kevin. Found Cheddar.
Kevin: Oh, my God, Raymond is on a case.
Rosa: [to Cheddar] You sick son of a bitch.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: See? Cheddar almost blew our cover. I told you not to mess with him.
Rosa: Charles, he smelled food and he wanted to eat it. He's a dog, not a super villain.
Charles: I don't know, he's really staring you down right now.
Rosa: Oh, yeah?
Charles: Yeah.
Rosa: Watch this. [stares at Cheddar] [Cheddar whines] Sucker.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: We're locked in. If she gets in touch with O'Sullivan, it's over.
Jake: Wait. She said she doesn't have a cell phone. That means if we can tie up her landline, she can't call anyone. [picks up phone handset]
Carol: Hey, what did you do with the phone?
Captain Holt: Smart, but we're still trapped down here. [Jake smiles] Does that smile mean you know a way out?
Jake: Hmm? Oh, no, I was just... thinking about how you were about to hook up with that old lady. [laughs] [clears throat] But no, yeah, we're totally screwed.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Let's just try to stay calm. I think you're making a big mistake here.
Carol: No, I'm not. He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan. That was my name three marriages ago. I'm Carol Shaughnessy now. If he's calling me Mrs. O'Sullivan, it's 'cause he knows who my son is and you're up to something.
Captain Holt: Carol, baby.
Carol: Don't "baby" me. Get down in the basement.
Captain Holt: Well, I always like going down.
Carol: I said move. I'm calling my son.
Jake: Feel like she considered it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, everything is all... What am I looking at?
Carol: Your friend here was very clumsy and he spilled on himself.
Jake: Well, we got everything we needed, but I can wait if Maxwell needs a little more time to dry off.
Captain Holt: No, no, no, I'm all dry now. We can leave.
Carol: Oh, wait, let me give you my number. I only have the landline, so if my son, Frankie, answers, hang up. He gets a little jealous.
Captain Holt: Not to worry, Mrs. O'Sullivan. Maxwell Maxwell is nothing if not discreet.
Carol: [pulls out gun] Not discreet enough.
Jake: Okay, look, I don't know what kind of freaky stuff you guys are into, but I want no part of it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I've just come back from One Police Plaza, and I have some good news.
Jake: The union voted and O'Sullivan's out?
Captain Holt: No, he was reelected for life, which I didn't think was technically possible.
Captain Holt: But the good news is, the commissioner has approved our police reform program and will be implementing it citywide.
Sergeant Jeffords: Citywide?
Charles: Wow!
Jake: That's amazing.
Captain Holt: Yes, I know. It is exciting. But there's no guarantee that it'll work. There's a lot of resistance to change. Nevertheless, it's our duty to try because if we don't, then we are truly lost. Which is why I will not be retiring. I have been appointed deputy commissioner of police reform.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Thank you, and since I don't want work to consume my life and this is a big job, so I will need some help, which is why I'd like to bring you along, Santiago, with a well-deserved promotion to chief. If you're interested.
Amy: Wait, what? I'm gonna be a chief?
Jake: Terry, you might wanna step aside, 'cause there's a dork dance a-coming.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn.
Amy: Whoo! [dances] Yes! Gonna be a chief.
Jake: We share a marital bed.

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