Jake: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The Vulture: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.
Jake: Ugh. You said you didn't trust them to get coffee.
The Vulture: Look, if you can't tell what "coffee" is code for by now, then you and I shouldn't be talking about this, Jake.
Amy: Oh, my God. He put his best detectives on the case.
The Vulture: Hey, my two best detectives are Sticky and Boner, and they definitely know how to order "coffee." Extra cream. Wink, wink.

The Vulture: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: No, no, no!
The Vulture: I don't know why you're so upset, man. I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole. [to Charles] What's up, little man?
Charles: What's up?
The Vulture: Feeling sexy? Huh?
Charles: Yeah, I feel sexy.
The Vulture: Yeah, you look sexy, man.
Charles: You know I do.
The Vulture: Watch out for that door. [to Sergeant Jeffords] Yo, how much you bench, seriously?

Rosa: Hey, Pembroke. What do you say we go talk about a case in the break room?
The Vulture: Oh, yeah? What case is that?
Rosa: The case of how you got so damn sexy.
The Vulture: God owed me a favor. Case solved.

The Vulture: It's because I got a bet going with the captain of the A4 to see whose squad can solve the most cases.
Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the loser, and guess what I'm getting him.
Jake: Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian Devil?
The Vulture: No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo. Man, you're really stupid in the morning, aren't you?

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain Holt: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain Holt: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Amy: Oh, wait. Before we decide Scully, what's your basement like?
Scully: Bunch of old Victorian wallpaper that came with the house. I tried to peel it off, but the wall underneath was covered with fingernail scratches.
Amy: Ooh.