Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Captain Holt: No, no, no. He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.
Jake: It's just a windbreaker. It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun. ... Uh, he has both of those things.
Doug Judy: It's not loaded. I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase. (COCKS GUN) New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Rosa: 96.
Jake: 80. 40. 6. Years. Months.
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.