Sergeant Jeffords: Anyways, you're in charge for the day.
Jake: Oh, boy. Here comes the lecture. "Be responsible, Jake. Don't do anything crazy or fun."
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no lecture. I trust you.
Jake: But there always used to be a lecture.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, well, you're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy just buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color, champagne, which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?