Charles: Ladies and gentlemen. The moment you've been waiting for.
Amy: Wow, he went full "Showman."
Charles: I present to you six freaks, who, through a series of elaborate games, will be eliminated one by one until a champion is crowned. And that champion shall inherit my circus.
Rosa: And get a day off.
Charles: I was getting there, Ro-Ro. Let me have my fun.
Jake: Yeah, Ro-Ro, let him have his fun.
Charles: As always, we start the games by lighting the ceremonial bagel of destiny.
Jake: Ah, it's actually the baguette of destiny because this year, we're throwing caution to the wind. Charles, flame me.
Scully: [singing] Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs.
Charles: And with that, we commence my ten minute opening performance.
Jake: What?
Charles: [singing] The crowd is ready The freaks are here...

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?