Charles: Ladies and gentlemen. The moment you've been waiting for.
Amy: Wow, he went full "Showman."
Charles: I present to you six freaks, who, through a series of elaborate games, will be eliminated one by one until a champion is crowned. And that champion shall inherit my circus.
Rosa: And get a day off.
Charles: I was getting there, Ro-Ro. Let me have my fun.
Jake: Yeah, Ro-Ro, let him have his fun.
Charles: As always, we start the games by lighting the ceremonial bagel of destiny.
Jake: Ah, it's actually the baguette of destiny because this year, we're throwing caution to the wind. Charles, flame me.
Scully: [singing] Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs.
Charles: And with that, we commence my ten minute opening performance.
Jake: What?
Charles: [singing] The crowd is ready The freaks are here...

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?