Charles: The time has come for the grand finale, the obstacle course.
Hitchcock: This is gonna be rough. Turns out, taking a ton of random pills is really bad for you. Everything hurts.
Jake: Yeah, I'm like 50/50 gonna die.
Charles: On your mark, get set, dazzle me, freaks! First, you must make your way past the barricade hurdles. After the hurdles, you must fish a dollar coin out of our gross, clogged-up sink of nightmares. You use that money to buy a hot dog. After you eat the entire dog, you'll return to the break room, where you must extract an olive from the windpipe of a Heimlich practice dummy.
Jake: [to Hitchcock] Why are you using your mouth for everything?
Charles: The winner will be the first person to sit in the Ringmaster's throne. Uh-oh, surprise twist! To get to the throne, you must break through a breach training door.
Jake: What? Why are you making this so hard on me?
Charles: It's all for the show, Jake. The greatest show on Earth!

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?