Jake: Oh no, the shirt from the Dekalb Street murder.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's the only hard evidence we have. ADA Green's already mad we didn't find anything else.
Captain Holt: Why is this on your desk, Peralta?
Jake: I logged it out for trial, but Officer Howard is the one who got it from the evidence locker. Let's blame him. He's always up to no good.
Officer Howard: What? You don't even know me.
Jake: Yes, I do.
Officer Howard: Then what's my last name?
Jake: ... I thought it was Howard.
Officer Howard: It's Booth. My name is Howard Booth.
Jake: Okay, fine, but just so you know, the only thing I'm gonna remember from this interaction is that you put me on the spot, so...

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Captain Holt: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.

Jake: Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here. Either it's Rosa who's disappointed in her Buzzfeed results...
[flashback to Rosa on a computer:]
Rosa: I am not a Blanche! [throws the mouse through a window]