Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quote 11250

Quote from Jake in the episode The Good Ones

[June 2020:]
Rosa: Hey, you guys got a sec? I need to talk to you about something.
Jake: Whatever it is can wait, Rosie. You're gonna want to see this.
Charles: Question:
Jake: What is the number one problem with the coronavirus?
Rosa: Mass death, economic collapse, the way the disease has exposed
the systemic injustice at the core of American life.
Jake: Well, yes, obviously those, but after that, it's how to high-five your friends while staying six feet apart. But now the world can stop their worrying because we have created the COVID five. With this machine, you can execute any high five your heart desires. There's the classic. Slip me some skin. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle. Sprinkle me. Sprinkle. The Vulcan scissor. That's a bad one.
Charles: Yeah.
Jake: And of course, the need for speed.
Both: Whoo!
Rosa: Wow. That was impressively stupid.
Jake: I know, right? So what was it you wanted to tell me?
Rosa: Just wanted to say goodbye. I turned in my resignation. I quit the force.
Jake: What?
[Jake accidentally hits Sergeant Jeffords with the hand stick. Jeffords crashes into Scully, who spills his coffee on himself and a printer, which falls to the floor and then catches fire before the lights go out and an alarm sounds.]
Rosa: Dude, that was by far the best five.
Jake: You're quitting?

 Jake Quotes

Quote from the episode The Vulture

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Quote from the episode The Party

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

 ‘The Good Ones’ Quotes

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, he's your captain. You act like it's some romantic relationship.
Amy: You know what, Terry? You're right. It is like a romantic relationship.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you got from what I said?
Amy: Do you still have that relationship book from when you and Sharon were having issues?
Sergeant Jeffords: That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.
Amy: Just own the sex book thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want my help or not?
Amy: Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book that is obviously not yours?
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay. I'll see what I can do.

Quote from Charles

Charles: But you know what was rougher? The hundreds of years of oppression experienced by Black people in this country, oppression they still experience to this day.
Amy: Why does Charles sound like a podcast?
Charles: Oh, because I'm listening to one right now. It's called "Two Wrongs Makes a White: Lessons in Anti-Racism."
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you're lucky you weren't here on Juneteenth.
[flashback: to Charles, wearing an African print face mask and scarf, raising his fist as he passes by Sergeant Jeffords:]
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: He went full Schumer.
Charles: Cultural appropriation, Amy. She'll figure it out.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're the one who did it.
Charles: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So where's Rosa? Thought she'd be here by now.
Jake: I'm telling you, she's not coming. Ever since she quit the force, she thinks we're just part of the problem.
Captain Holt: Oh, she never said that. She quit after George Floyd was killed because she thought that she could do more good by becoming a PI that helps victims of police brutality. That has nothing to do with us.
Jake: Then how come we haven't hung out at all since she quit?
Sergeant Jeffords: Setting up a new business takes time. She's probably too busy to see friends.
Jake: And yet I have time to see my friends and be a father and do my job and straight-up crush it at "Goat Simulator" on my Switch.
Amy: That's not something to be proud of.
Jake: Being a father is not something to be proud of, Ames? Wow. You've changed, dude.
Jake: Look, all I'm saying is, I promise you she is not gonna show up tonight. And if she does, I'll give each of you $1,000, cash. That's a promise.
Rosa: Hey, everybody.
Jake: Jake's word is not legally binding. Any promise of cash reward is, of course, understood as hyperbole. Rosa! I knew you'd make it.

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