Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quote 11407

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Balancing

Rosa: Oh, I am hungover. How you feeling?
Captain Holt: Not good at all. You were supposed to watch out for me, Diaz.
Rosa: Good news is, the heavy drinking worked. You didn't mention Kevin one time.
Captain Holt: Oh, that is an accomplishment. Unfortunately, it appears that I did think about him at least once last night.
Rosa: What do you mean?
Captain Holt: At 3:30 a.m., I seem to have sent Kevin... A digital phallus portrait.
Rosa: A digital phallus portrait? What is that? [gasps] Oh, no, you sent him a [bleep] pic.

 Captain Holt Quotes

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Quote from the episode The Box

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

 ‘Balancing’ Quotes

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up, everyone. We had a murder this morning. The vic was found at 8:45 by a dog walker who let herself into his apartment...
Jake: Oh, my God, it's Franzia! This is the work of Johnny Franzia, my white whale. He's finally resurfaced.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not this again.
Jake: Yes, this again. Johnny Franzia has been on a murder spree for the past ten years, and every time he kills someone, he taunts me. Look, there's a deck of cards.
Sergeant Jeffords: You say that whenever there's cards at a crime scene. You know how many people own cards, Jake?
Jake: Then explain this. Johnny Franzia's catchphrase is "deuces are wild." Now look around the apartment. Two chairs, two paintings, two pillows.
Sergeant Jeffords: There are three lamps.
Jake: You think Franzia gives a damn about lamps? You sound so dumb right now. This is why you don't have an arch nemesis, Terry, because you focus on all the wrong details.
Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe I don't have an arch nemesis because I solve all my crimes.
Jake: [silence] That's a pretty [bleep]-up thing to say to me.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Scully: Sure, I'll watch Mac. Don't worry, I've padded all the sharp edges in here.
Jake: Wow. You already baby-proofed it?
Scully: Ah, it's my nap room. You can take a nap anywhere in here. Every surface is like a bed.
Both: Huh.
Jake: Works for us.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, so don't freak out, but apparently there are several other groups presenting reform proposals to One Police Plaza, and only one will get funding.
Amy: Why would that make me freak out?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because you can be a little competitive.
Amy: [scoffs] That's not true. No one is less competitive than me. No one.

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