Jake: Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.
Charles: Ignore him and take him directly to prison.
Jake: A high-stakes trivia contest to decide who's the better friend.
Charles: What?
Jake: If I win, you agree not to try and escape.
Doug Judy: But if I win, you agree to let me go.
Jake: Deal.
Charles: That is a bad idea. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.
Jake: It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center. You can be Estelle Minderman.
Charles: She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in! [horns honking]
Jake: Charles!

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Jake: [groans] Parenting is exhausting.
Amy: You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning playing a game on your phone.
Jake: It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator. [chuckling] It's very different. There's no winning.
Amy: Then why do you play?
Jake: To earn pizza points to get better toppings.

Doug Judy: [hip-hop beat] ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪ A lot of room for uh's. I like that.
Jake: I thought you would.
Doug Judy: ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪
Jake: ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it. ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ It's magnets.
Doug Judy: [laughing] Okay! ♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪
Jake: ♪ Wear 'em on a hike ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪
Both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Rah! ♪
Jake: [laughs] That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.
Doug Judy: I call Ally.
Jake: Aw, I wanted Ally.

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.