Charles: [on the phone] Okay. I love you too, Dad. [hangs up] Did you guys change clothes?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Charles. It's tomorrow now. You been on the phone for 14 hours.
Charles: Well, you know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down his pants and takes a dump on your life."
Jake: Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry.
Charles: Being a Boyle was the backbone of my identity. Without the Boyle backbone, I'm just a bag of flesh. I'm goo.
Jake: Come on, you're not goo. Being a Boyle is about more than blood. It's what's in your heart.
Charles: Blood is what's in your heart. You're making it worse, Jake.
Jake: Okay, fine. Then what about Nikolaj? He was adopted, so technically, he's not a Boyle, but that never bothered you.
Charles: I didn't even think about Niko. He was already a Boyle once removed which is tough enough. Now he's twice removed? Twice-removed Boyles are a total [bleep] clown show, okay? Niko's basically Cousin Andrea. Sorry, Andrea.
Andrea Boyle: I know what I am.
Jake: Well, damn.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?