Jake: Today, we learned that Pappy Boyle's death was not foul play. But even though there was no murder, there was a robbery. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him by Sam Boyle. [all gasp] You said it yourself, Charles, the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy. Think about it. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: We can't find Pappy's will.
Jake: [v.o.] Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle?
Jake: [v.o.] And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Did you get the DNA report back?
[present:]
Sam Boyle: This is ridiculous. I love Charles.
Jake: Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then. Since you love him so much.
Sam Boyle: Sure. I always like to hug my cousin.
Tommy Boyle: He's gushing! [all gasp]
Sam Boyle: Darn it. I thought these would hide it, but I gushed through my pit diapers. All right, fine. I always suspected that Charles wasn't one of us. I mean, he went through puberty at 13, instead of 25, like a normal Boyle. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy, something inside of me snapped. So I hid the will. I admit it. Are you happy now?
Jake: Very.
Charles: Not at all.
Jake: Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case. He confessed.
Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm still not a Boyle. I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?