Jake: I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.
Hitchcock: You had me at "no paperwork".
Jake: That was the very end of the sentence.

Amy: You know how every year the precinct does that Junior Police Program seminar?
Rosa: That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser kids to become student snitches?
Amy: Mmm, no. The thing where we try to get at-risk kids-
Rosa: Losers.
Amy: To sign up to become Junior Police Officers-
Rosa: Snitches. What about it?