Charles: You guys have been down here for two hours. What, did you have sex forty times?

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Scully: Well, how do you know he's even in a bad mood? It's impossible to read that guy.
-cut to-
Captain Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life. Get your act together, or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement.
-cut to-
Scully: It's like, what's the guy thinking? You know?

Rosa: You all right, Captain? Tough weekend?
Captain Holt: I went to Barbados with my husband. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. I've never been happier.

Captain Holt: I threw away the photo because I think it's ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall.
Amy: Oh.
Captain Holt: But you would have me hang a Baroque oil painting of myself like I'm a North Korean dictator. What, no ornate gold frame? Why am I not astride my noble steed, clad in armor?
Amy: We could add a horse.