Charles: You just graduated pie school, bitches.
Sorry I said bitches, I'm just really worked up.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Jake: You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?
Captain Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

Sergeant Jeffords: He makes me feel so small!
Captain Holt: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man!
Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

Jake: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Rosa: You people already know too much about me.
Jake: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.