Jake: I found a cold case of ours that everyone foolishly said was unsolvable. Case 52ABX DASH 32QJ.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is unsolvable.
Jake: Or maybe case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.
Scully: What's case 52ABX DASH 32QJ?
Jake: Case 52ABX ...we gotta find a way to abbreviate this thing.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: Well, let's bust out the polygraph.
Charles: Lie detector truth or dare.
Jake: No. Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from Beauty and the Beast.
Charles: It's the way they drew her.

Charles: Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy. The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!" I tried it. She did not like it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Jake: (Scoffs) No.
Technician: Lie.
Jake: All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Sergeant Jeffords: She makes all of us feel things!