Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Sergeant Jeffords: We've got to make this place kid-friendly. No crime scene photos lying about.
Hitchcock: That's not a crime scene. That's a boudouir photo I'm having framed for my wife. That's me underneath the mask.

Jake: Captain, quick update. Another one of the Fulton Street Four was murdered here this morning.
Captain Holt: Huh. I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.
Jake: This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.
Captain Holt: You did it before I showed up?
Jake: Yep, that is exactly correct.