Amy: What do you want, Jake?
Jake: What? Why would you assume that I want anything? What I want is to apologize to my girlfriend, who I hurt.
Amy: It's "whom."
Jake: Why does the word "who" even exist if you're not allowed to say it?

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Gina: If I die, turn my tweets into a book!

Sergeant Jeffords: So we wanted Jake to take the crown?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?
Sergeant Jeffords: You must realize my answer is no.

Amy: He left a tiny crack in the blind, so I could read the Captain's lips.
"Sharon and your kids will distract Jake."
They'll be here at 9:30 sharp.
My waffle xylophone on the cheese man."
Captain Holt: What?
Amy: My lip-reading is not flawless.