Jake: Oh, come on, Sarge. It's gonna be fun. You remember fun, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's that supposed to mean?
Jake: Nothing. It's just I planned this awesome guys' weekend for us, and all you can think about is Lyme disease.
Sergeant Jeffords: Untrue. I'm thinking about all tick-borne diseases anaplasmosis, tularemia, Rocky Mountain spotted fever.
You know, maybe I could just chill out a little.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Charles: Sports bloopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait a second, Peralta. You busted through a window for no reason?
Jake: Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was a sealed window on the fifth floor.
You could have just gone in the door with Charles.
Jake: Yeah, but then what would my catchphrase have been?
"Knock, knock, who's there? Justice"?
Ooh, that's actually amazing. Charles, write that down.
Charles: Already did.