Jake: What the hell? I thought you went straight?
Doug Judy: I did. I'm a high-end car broker now. I procure luxury vehicles for the rich and famous and I do it legally. Last week I dropped off a Bugatti to the kid with the lisp from "Stranger Things".
Jake: You met Dustin? Was he cool? Do him and the rest of the gang hang out in real life? You know what? No. We are not chatting right now. You have three hostages.

Captain Holt: No, no, no. He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.
Jake: It's just a windbreaker. It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun. ... Uh, he has both of those things.
Doug Judy: It's not loaded. I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase. (COCKS GUN) New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Charles: Hey, guys. Uh, can we talk?
Amy: Let me guess, you got overwhelmed and had to use our six-sandwich technique.
Charles: No, my one at a time system worked perfectly.
Amy: Oh.
Charles: It's just, making Nana Boyle's meatball recipe got me thinking a lot about her-
Amy: And let me guess, you realized she'd be ashamed of how you acted?
Charles: No, Nana Boyle was a monster. She once yelled at me so loud, I fainted.
She was a hateful witch. She died with no friends.
Gina: And let me guess, you realized you were acting just like her and you felt terrible?
Charles: Yes.
Gina: You see, Amy? You don't do "and let me guess" until you're sure you're right.

Captain Holt: Hitchcock, there's a woman here interviewing detectives a part of the Commissioner selection process.
Hitchcock: All right, I'll go hide in the janitor's closet until this is all over. Thanks for the heads up.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late for that. She wants to talk to you.
Hitchcock: What? No! How could you let this happen? I'm nuts!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, calm down, man. We just took her on a tour of the precinct and now she's at lunch. That means we have one hour to teach you how to behave like a human.
Hitchcock: Oh, I see. You're gonna "My Bare Lady" me.
Captain Holt: "My Bare Lady"?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm assuming it's a "My Fair Lady" porn parody.
Captain Holt: Oh, my. We've got our work cutout for us.

Captain Holt: You're looking at a suspension, maybe worse. Unless you can track down Doug Judy and recover those diamonds.
Jake: Can they wait 12 months? I usually run into him about once a year.