Captain Holt: Look, I get that you're worried about your own mortality. Perhaps this fact will comfort you. As an NYPD officer, you're more likely to be crushed by scaffolding than to die on the job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, God. This is a city of scaffolding!
Captain Holt: No, no, Sergeant, I was only trying to point out that there are millions of potential ways to die. Do you know how common choking is?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, man?

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Gina: Wait, first, let's say a prayer. Dear Beyonce, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that's white, Cardi B, please bless this flush. A-women.

Charles: Hello? You know what, I'm trying to keep this line open, so I don't have time for your bull crap. Good-bye, Mom.

Gina: The first thing we gotta do, shut off the water supply. Did I do that? That's an Urkel reference, from the show "Family Matters." Do you remember that?