Captain Holt: Excuse me, sir, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Taylor: Uh, one second. I'm busy. [buzzer] Oh, at the buzzer! Suck it, Chase, you dirty, little hippy.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, well, um, as you know, I've been here for four months, and I think I'm a model employee.
Taylor: Oh, no doubt. No doubt. You had the idea to install sinks in the bathrooms. I love that.
Captain Holt: Yes, what I'm getting at is, I'd like to be assistant manager.
Taylor: [scoffs] You serious? Oh, I just never expected you to be interested in management. I mean, you don't seem like the type of person who's really interested in leadership roles.
Captain Holt: Really? Anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I'm very hard-working.
Taylor: Yeah, when you're not totally blazed.
Captain Holt: I assure you that's not me.
Taylor: Okay, tell that to the Count Blunt-ula T-shirt that you were rocking last week.
Captain Holt: It was the only thing in lost and found. A child and his father threw up on me.
Taylor: Okay, I'll think about it. Management! Full of surprises, Greg.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.
Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?
Captain Holt: No, something much stranger.
[cut to] Jake: [slowed audio] You were right.
Captain Holt: I knew then that you were up to something, so I followed you here. I guessed the combination on the first try: 69-69.
Jake: June 9, 1969, the day my parents got married.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.
Jake: My mom's birthday.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: The moon landing.
Captain Holt: Nope.
Jake: Fine, you're right. It's a completely random number.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.

Captain Holt: Oh, now, Stella, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman with nice, heavy breasts.