Captain Holt: Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I don't know. I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but my entire body is on fire. He's Cuban.
Jake: Is this still official business?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Of course it is. Shut up and watch the movie.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
[cut to Holt and Ruth power walking]
Captain Holt: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
Ruth: Greg!
Captain Holt: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
[later]
Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.

Amy: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?