Charles: Hey there, Nikolaj. It's your papa. If you're watching this, something bad has happened to me. But I want you to know that I love you very much.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want to stop filming yourself and help me with these many items I'm carrying?
Charles: Sorry, I was making a video for my son. You know, in case I never see him again. Do you not do that for your kids?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I do. I make those kind of videos all the time.You know, in fact, I was about to do one right now. Hey hey, girls. It's me, Daddy.
If you're seeing this, I'm dead. But I want you to know that I love you now and forever.
Charles: Okay, time for a lullaby, sung in your native Latvian. Ligo! Ligo! Ligo!
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, lullaby time. Look. Go to sleep, Daddy's dead But his ghost's always watching-

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Captain Holt: The cops are looking for us, and a madman wants us dead.
We should be laying low until the Nine-Nine gets here.
Jake: Yeah, but we don't know when that's gonna be, and we need food and supplies.
Captain Holt: Okay, I'll get some water.
Jake: Holt, are you trying to draw attention to us? Nobody drinks water here.
Choose something blue or green.

Amy: Ooh, we're crossing into Virginia. Virginia is not technically a state, but a commonwealth.
Rosa: Oof, poor Jake.

Captain Holt: Are you hurt?
Jake: Yeah. I got caught on top of the fence. Check out my calf it's like Scratch City. How about you?
Captain Holt: I'm fine, except I was impaled on a metal pipe.
Jake: Oh, my God! [looking away and back again] Oh, my God! It's going to be fine. [looking away and back again] Oh, my God!