Scully: Guys, seriously, too much exposure to air, and they will turn to dust.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?
Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon. [silence] Wow. You're too tired for humor.

Charles: Now we just gotta pull his files from records.
Jake: Yep, then we bust him, and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Hm? Nikolaj, yeah, I said it.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj.
Charles: Not even close. Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj.
Charles: Almost. Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj. I feel like I'm saying it.

Jake: Thank you, okay, so I break the back window, make my way over to the jewelry case. Meanwhile, you're standing lookout by the front door-
Charles: [French accent] Oui, oui.
Jake: Smoking a cigarette. Check it: Ash.
Charles: [French accent] Ooh la la. Okay, so I am smoking.
Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: Oh, Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.
Jake: Why do all your characters get STDs?
Charles: [normal voice] Because they're living life!