Sergeant Jeffords: Are you serious, Santiago? That is ethically questionable.
[phone chimes] Ugh. It's a bus pooping on a police car. Let's beat those bastards.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: So, pretty crazy how you took out that Latvian mob guy back there.
Charles: I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
Jake: Why the mom?

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. They're knaves!
Gina: Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
Captain Holt: You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it. We're taking down the MTA.

Charles: Come on, focus, Jake.My boy's happiness is at stake. I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me. Skip the part about her bra.
Jake: Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. Oh, here we go: "Nik-Nik is so excited you're getting him Captain Latvia." And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat.
Charles: Oh, yeah, that's Captain Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer. You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly.
Jake: Sounds a little far-fetched.
Charles: Okay, well, tell that to Captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't ... because they're unconscious.