Jake: Stakes are high, Sarge. I know it doesn't matter to you, but I really want to beat Amy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't matter? Look, I am completely on board. You need your own space. I had a painting studio in my apartment.
Jake: Was this in the '90s? Did you wear overalls and no shirt?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every chance I got.
Jake: (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: But then I moved in with Sharon. And then the kids came along. You know where I have to paint now?
[cut to Sergeant Jeffords painting in a small closet]
Sergeant Jeffords: (CLATTERING) My acrylics!
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not gonna let you lose this bet. The march toward the closet starts with a single step.
Jake: Cool. So, basically just telling me not to get married and have kids.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Amy: Hey. I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
Jake: I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rights, I just looked over at you and thought, "You're awesome. And you're good at doing things." I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
Amy: Are you sure about this?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? "Smells like home."
Sergeant Jeffords: He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Amy: Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy.
Amy: Yeah, Terry.

Amy: Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts. Two more, and we win.
Charles: Huh, just two? (SCOFFS) No sweat. Literally.
Jake: Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Charles: Oh, these lil' ol' things? [Charles licks his finger and lightly touches his rear-end while making a sizzling sound] Tsst.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Marshawn Lynch: I ain't seen anything. I was eating my quesadilla. It was a good one. Chicken, cheese, guac. But they forgot my pico de gallo.
[5 minutes later:] I remember when I was a little boy, my mama used to make this, uh, she used to call it "fo' cheese." What y'all call it? Y'all call it "four"?
[12 minutes later] How come they never make quesadillas with sausage? You throw some tomato sauce in there and call it a pizza-dilla - What you think?
Rosa: What is going on?
[21 minutes later:]
Marshawn Lynch: This one time, I tried to wait up all night to catch Santa Claus, right? You know how they tell you you got to put the cookies and the milk out?
[36 minutes later:] I don't really be telling nobody this, but I like to sleep with the fan on, even when it's chilly outside. All about that white noise, baby.
Rosa: Stop. Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch. Did you see anything after the van crashed? Yes or no?
Marshawn Lynch: Nope. Like I told you, I was just eating my quesadilla. Have I talked to y'all about my pizza-dilla invention?