Jake: Oh, my God, he's so boring.
Amy: He's so boring.
Jake: Most boring man in America.
Amy: And that's him trying to be interesting. That is Spring Break Teddy.
Jake: How did you ever date him? Oh, no, he has a really big wiener, doesn't he? Wait. Don't tell me if that's true, unless it's not. No, but then if you don't say anything, I'll know that it is. Oh, why aren't you saying anything about his wiener, Amy?
Amy: Jake.
Jake: Stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to hear about your ex's wiener. Just you're not making me feel better. Why would you do this to me?
Amy: Jake, stop spiraling.
Jake: Every time you shake me, I see it flopping around.
Amy: Stop.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.
Sergeant Jeffords: I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.
Captain Holt: Perhaps it's a paper jam.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?
Captain Holt: Toner issue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Sergeant Jeffords: There's something I'd like to show you, Captain.
(Japanese copier starts up)
Captain Holt: "Terry crushed it." It works! I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain Holt: And yet crime has continued.

Jake: Why'd you have to say he was boring?
Amy: Because he is boring. His favorite app on his phone is "contacts."