Jake: That's not true. Come on! What does Captain Holt always tell us? Be a good cop, do your job, things'll work out.
Scully: Yep, just this morning, I found this old bag on the street and it has a cupcake inside.
Jake: See? Scully found a garbage cake.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Charles: My point is, I'm worried that Veronica will never forgive Terry. Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?
Captain Holt: She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson. I've already tried to set up a meeting with him. He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.
Charles: Okay, so maybe we find out where he's staying and just happen to run into him and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That seems rather underhanded.
Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.
Captain Holt: What?
Charles: Measures. I said measures.

Rosa: Hey, man. We gotta be cool, all right? I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.
Jake: I don't fantasize about being a movie star. I fantasize about meeting one. And being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa, where he pranks me and then we prank Matt Damon together and then Damon's like "Peralta, you got the goods. You're gonna be the star of my next movie." Wait, maybe I do want to be a movie star.