Charles: I'm not saying blackmail him blackmail him. We just insinuate that we know what's going on and let him fill in the blanks.
Captain Holt: Oh, so it's like he blackmails himself?
Charles: Uh-huh, you just go up to him and say, "Commissioner Grayson, how's your wife?"
Captain Holt: Commissioner Grayson, how's your wife?
Charles: No, that just sounds like you really wanna know how she is. Insinuate. Maybe add a pause before "wife."
Captain Holt: Commissioner Grayson, how's your ... ... wife?
Charles: Too long.
Captain Holt: Felt it. Ugh, this is not my strong suit.
Charles: No, no, sir, sir, sir. You're doing great. Just forget the pause. Use your eyebrows like this. How's your "pump, pump, pump" wife.
Captain Holt: How's your pump, pump, pump wife.
Charles: Eh, it was a little bit better in my head. Try this. How's your "pump" wife "pump, pump."
Captain Holt: End on a double pump? That's risky. He'll see right through me.
How about "Pump, pump" how's your "pump"?
Charles: You forgot to say wife.
Captain Holt: Ah, good note.
Charles: How 'bout this? How's your "pump" wife "pump", Grayson, "pump"?
Captain Holt: That's the one.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Charles: My point is, I'm worried that Veronica will never forgive Terry. Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?
Captain Holt: She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson. I've already tried to set up a meeting with him. He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.
Charles: Okay, so maybe we find out where he's staying and just happen to run into him and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That seems rather underhanded.
Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.
Captain Holt: What?
Charles: Measures. I said measures.

Rosa: Hey, man. We gotta be cool, all right? I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.
Jake: I don't fantasize about being a movie star. I fantasize about meeting one. And being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa, where he pranks me and then we prank Matt Damon together and then Damon's like "Peralta, you got the goods. You're gonna be the star of my next movie." Wait, maybe I do want to be a movie star.