Trudy Judy: Carl? Mangy Carl?
Jake: Yes. That is me.
Trudy Judy: I'm Trudy Judy, Doug's sister. This is our aunt Patrice. I'm so glad you could make it. Doug really loved you.
Jake: Oh, he talked about me?
Trudy Judy: Oh, all the time. He was so afraid he'd fall back into your old life. Doug made Mangy Carl an assistant at the architecture firm. He rescued him from a life on the streets.
Jake: Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.
Trudy Judy: You were selling your body for money.
Jake: Did Doug tell you that?
Trudy Judy: He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.
Jake: 100% accurate.
Trudy Judy: Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.
Jake: Had to have 'em.
Trudy Judy: Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep] every night.
Jake: Yeah, I remember having that thought.
Trudy Judy: But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.
Jake: Dark days.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: [singing] Doug Judy I wish you were alive, Doug Judy God will give you a high five [high-pitched] Doug Judy-
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, he gave himself a key change.
Jake: [singing] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Doug Judy You're a friend, friend, friend Doug Judy! [screeching] This song is at its end Thank you so much. [screeching]
[talking] You've been a great audience. I mean, it's a funeral. That's psychotic. I'm so sorry.

Rob Dulubnik: Okay, defectives. My guys can handle that.
Amy: Oh, can they? 'Cause the Nine-Nine's about to bring the real heat.
Hitchcock: Get ready for the back draft, bitch.

Charles: We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.
Rosa: I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.