Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quote 9487

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Hey there, Captain. Oh, is this your new assistant?
John Urblan: John Urblan. Nice to meet ya.
Captain Holt: And John Urblan has just been fired.
Jake: What?
John Urblan: I have?
Captain Holt: Meet "ya"? You just abbreviated a one-syllable word.
John Urblan: Is this for real?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now clean out your "des." I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd "ya" sound.
Jake: Oh, boy. Sorry, John Urblan. Bye.

 Captain Holt Quotes

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Quote from the episode The Box

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

 ‘The Honeypot’ Quotes

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Now, in true Munkensmat, you pile all of your belongings on a raft, push it out to the icy sea, and set fire to it with a flaming arrow. But since we obviously don't have an archer-
Rosa: I'm an archer. I have like six bows in my car.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

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