Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, can I talk to you guys?
Rosa: Ugh, you're not selling those crapola candy bars for your daughters' doomed basketball team again, are you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Doomed?
Rosa: Yeah. They're terrible and you know it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I'm not selling candy. That's next week. Please bring cash.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive. You should only have to distract him for three hours? Good Lord. Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?
Captain Holt: Watch me. Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787. It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.
Jake: I'm already so bored.
[later:]
Captain Holt: The slats are not flat. They're curved. The base of the barrel is approximately 20- Every barrel is inspected before usage. The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.
Jake: Wait, are you still at the same barrel? Please move on to another one. There are so many barrels in there.
Captain Holt: You know what? Let's look at that barrel.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: It's a brine barrel as well. It was also made in the 1780s. In fact, it's identical to the last barrel. Let's review why that's interesting.
Jake: No!