Amy: Guys, you can't keep everything. That defeats the purpose.
Scully: I got this, Ames. Hello, unsolved case. Do you bring me joy? No, because you're boring and you're too hard. See ya.
Amy: Personal items only, Scully. Get that case out of the trash.
Scully: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive. You should only have to distract him for three hours? Good Lord. Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?
Captain Holt: Watch me. Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787. It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.
Jake: I'm already so bored.
[later:]
Captain Holt: The slats are not flat. They're curved. The base of the barrel is approximately 20- Every barrel is inspected before usage. The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.
Jake: Wait, are you still at the same barrel? Please move on to another one. There are so many barrels in there.
Captain Holt: You know what? Let's look at that barrel.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: It's a brine barrel as well. It was also made in the 1780s. In fact, it's identical to the last barrel. Let's review why that's interesting.
Jake: No!