Quote from Jake in the episode The Therapist
Dr. Theresa Moore: Oh, um, can I help you?
Jake: Yes. I am... your new patient.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett?
Jake: Garrett ... is my name, yes.
Dr. Theresa Moore: You're an hour and a half early.
Jake: I know. I have problems with time management. That's the issue I want to talk about.
Dr. Theresa Moore: On the phone, you said you were concerned you might have multiple personality disorder.
Jake: Yep, that too. Got buttloads of peeps living in my brain. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. We should talk about it.
Quote from the episode The Vulture
Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.
Quote from the episode AC/DC
Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.
Quote from the episode Halloween
Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!
Quote from Captain Holt
Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.
Quote from Hitchcock
Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.
Quote from Jake
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!