Sergeant Jeffords: And you thought that was my book. [laughs] Shame on you, Amy. Shame on you.
[later, in the bathroom stalls:]
Sergeant Jeffords: You got the book? You should know, things are good with Sharon. I just want to make sure we're as happy in our relationship as we can be.
Scully: That's nice, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry you had to embarrass yourself.
Scully: Not a big deal. I guess I just don't care what other people think of me.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's actually pretty inspiring. I wish I was more like that.
Scully: Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me.
[Scully steps back into the stall and unbuttons his trousers]
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey! You're not going to wait for me to leave?
Scully: Like I said, I just don't care.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!