Jake: Anyway, he's in a coma now, and Captain Holt thinks if I'm here when he wakes up, I can get him to talk.
Amy: So what'd you call me for?
Jake: Because I need a partner.
Amy: What about them?
Hitchcock: Oh, we're not here for work. I brought Scully in because he needs some medical tests.
Scully: Yeah, I'm here all the time. I'm kind of the mayor of this place. Cheryl, baby, you got a fresh bag for me?
Cheryl: Saving you the biggest one, Scully.
Scully: You're too good to me. Anyway, I'll see you guys around. Dan, Dan, the enema man.
Jake: Well, I guess it's kind of nice to see Scully in his element.
Scully: Whoo!

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away