Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Amy: So did they defuse the bomb?
Jake: Yeah, one of 'em. Oh, you didn't hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.
Amy: Aww. On our anniversary.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away