Jake: I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.
Hitchcock: You had me at "no paperwork".
Jake: That was the very end of the sentence.

Jake: Die Hard is the best cop movie of all time. One cop heroically saving the day while every one else stands around and watches. It's the story of my life.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Jake: I don't know what's gonna happen on this assignment, and if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this. I kinda wish something could happen, between us, romantic styles.

Amy: Do I really have to wear this all night?
Jake: You know the rules. The date starts now and ends at midnight. I decide what you wear, what you eat, and where we go. Oh, and there is one more rule. No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.
Amy: Won't be a problem.

Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh. Well done. Title of my sex tape.

Sergeant Jeffords: What's my name?
Jake: Terry Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: What is my name?
Jake: The Ebony Falcon.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what does The Ebony Falcon do?
Jake: Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety.[Terry breathes heavily] Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell yeah he does. Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex so his only indulgence is fresh-fruit yogurt parfaits.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Gina: And I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Charles: You melted my fringe.
Rosa: You think I have an anger problem? I don't. You are both dead to me.

Jake: You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah." They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool. Come on, jewel thief. You're my only friend now.

Jake: Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today?

Jake: What a day, huh? Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together.
Amy: Yeah, good day.
Jake: Hell yeah, it is. Drinks are on me.

Captain Holt: Updates on the case?
Jake: Well, you're gonna love this one. We busted the guy for grand larceny. And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at major crimes. Can you believe that?
Captain Holt: Yes, she told me yesterday.
Jake: What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it? She would literally shave her head if you asked her to. Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank, if you're looking to prank her.

The Vulture: Lookee, lookee. I thought I saw your big, white ass lumbering around. As for you, Santiago, well, now you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you? And they're a shade of pink called "loser."