Charles: Man, girls are so scary.

Rosa: Boyle looked up how to make desk yogurt.
Charles: Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results. Although the jar is really hot.
Jake: That's gross.

Amy: What's going on? Did you drive me out here to kill me?
Rosa: I thought about it. Then I put that thought on hold.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. What was with the flossing?
Gina: A precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-bear. There's blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach and that lady did not have one.

Jake: Well, I got to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The football game's not on so I can still watch it later at home, and it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

Rosa: Looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Jake: It's a safe house, son. You've been protected.

Rosa: Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."
Jake: What does he want with me? Should I change my name to Jack Peralta? That sounds badass. Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.

Jake: He's just a big 'ole angel. He's been so good to ... the whites.

Jake: Captain, hey. You're looking stoic today. Like a wise, old oak.

Gina: So, what do we do next? Do I just look for another apartment? Should I buy a handgun? Should I buy a shotgun? Should I buy an uzi?

Amy: This neighborhood's just amazing. Class just seeps out of every vestibule.

Jake: No. He did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is how do you hurt your arm smiling.

Jake: A couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor, Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer: he drank it!

Jake: Just promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of your purse, okay? They're expired.
Amy: How do you know what's in my purse?
Jake: I needed concealer for a zit!