Captain Holt: You can crash on my couch. I even downloaded you some whale songs.

Jake: Why do we have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on over-eating. We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers.

Rosa: Maybe it's just old person gunk. You know how old people always have that gunk on them.

Sergeant Jeffords: This is a lot of pressure. If I'm going to do this, it has to be done right.
Scully, get me my oils.

Jake: I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving my murder away to The Vulture.
Charles: We call him The Vulture because he swoops in and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.
Captain Holt: Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.

[montage:]
Rosa: On my count. One, two-
The Vulture: Three! I got it from here! Yeah! Get up! Get up! Turn around!
[cut to:]
Amy: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-
The Vulture: Can and will be used against you in a court of law. Thanks, guys, I got it from here. Let's go. Beat it!
[cut to:]
Barista: Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles.
The Vulture: I got it from here.
Charles: I used a gift card for that!

Jake: All right, Hitchcock, you're up.
Hitchcock: The body. The corkscrew's still in the body.
Jake: No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.

Captain Holt: Would you like to sit down, Detective? You seem upset.
The Vulture: Hell yeah, I'm upset. Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero, zero, jurisdiction. They were publicly drunk. Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator. Only, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.

Jake: [o.s.] Boyle, we're pulling you out!
Charles: [after falling down the trash chute] This is the proudest moment of my career. [hit on the head by a trash bag]

Sergeant Jeffords: And always make good eye contact.
Charles: But don't stare at people.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you gotta blink.
Charles: But don't blink too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or too fast.
Charles: I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't blink too fast or slow or too much or too little.

Jimmy Brogan: Well maybe you should learn to handle your brown.
Jake: Eww.

Jake: What are you doing here, you nimrod?
Fire Marshall Boone: Uh, there was a fire. Big question is, what are you doing here? What, did someone call in a missing donut?

Jake: Hey there, criminal. It's me, Johnny Law.

Charles: I am thankful to have someone in my life who gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow ... more intimate.
Gina: Who are you talking about?
Charles: Umm, Hitchcock.

Charles: This is just like Christmas at my parent's house! Why do they have separate dining rooms?