Jake: Okay, I see what you're doing. "Tushie".
Captain Holt: It's touche.
Jake: Well, I'm in charge and I say it's tushie.

Jake: Hey, when this is all over, we should take a train trip together. Just for fun.

Jake: A safe house watching safe house is a safe safe house house.

Amy: I didn't get you a present. The gift is for Captain Holt. It's one of six presents I got him representing the six lessons that he's taught me: Determination, wisdom, posture-
Captain Holt: Detectives sometimes feel the urge to buy their captains holiday presents. Please refrain from doing so. Under no circumstances do I want a present. Peralta, my office.
Jake: Roger that!
Amy: Oh, my God, I have to return so many items.
Jake: I know.
Amy: Shut up.

Captain Holt: It's a hoax. I didn't wanna alarm the squad. So, please, keep this between us.
Jake: Awesome. I'm great at secrets. Santiago got you like six presents.

Jake: Look, Captain, you're stubborn. And that's an adorable quality. You wanna know what's not an adorable quality?
Charles: Acne.
Jake: Being dead.
Charles: Yep, being dead.

Jake: Well, frankly, sir, you're still acting like that brash, dumb Detective.
If you had truly changed, you'd be saying a bunch of boring, responsible stuff, like "Don't be stupid. Use the Detective squad. You're part of a team. I smell like sandalwood."
Charles: That's what it is!

Charles: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my cast! Ah! Ah. Cold milk. Cold milk.
Jake: That's coming out the bottom.
Charles: It is coming out the bottom of my cast.

Jake: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: Just picked him up on a dozen counts of identity theft.His name is Doug Judy. You ever seen him before?
Jake: No.
Doug Judy: [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. Oh, yeah. Beautiful Rosa.
Rosa: I think he's into me.

Jake: What do you do to these perps?
Rosa: Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Rosa: Before we go any further, we need to know if you're for real. Describe the guy.
Doug Judy: Asian dude.Maybe 5'8 ", spiky black hair. Rocks in both ears. Always wears a black suit. And speaks with a British accent. Like my girl, Dame Judi Dench. I have impeccable taste.

Jake: Hey, speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone, you know, so you can get back to architecturals.

Jake: I gotta say, the suit is growing on me.
Doug Judy: Looks good.
Jake: Is it triple-breasted somehow?
Doug Judy: There's no such thing.
Jake: What about the girl in total recall?
Doug Judy: Mmm. Triple bitties.

Jake: I promise you this. They have not heard the last of Carl Mangerman.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.