Jake: I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

Charles: Are you leaving us for Copperhead?
Gina: Because I am prepared to light Charles on fire in protest.

Gina: The only reason I didn't tell you is I don't value you as people, so why be honest?

Jake: Rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Gina: Give me the ring.
Jake: You sound like Gollum.
Gina: That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies, I'm too pretty.

Jake: I promise I will be stone-cold serious in my interview. I'll even use my serious face. If you're wondering how I'm pulling this off, I'm thinking about the time when I was eight and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.
Captain Holt: Was he right?
Jake: Yes.

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Doctor: We weren't able to do the procedure. Your friend is so large-
Jake: That you needed a bigger saw to cut through his dingus.

Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean Terry's our boss and he comes with us every year.
Sergeant Jeffords: Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.

Charles: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Charles: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Charles: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Jake: Here, my email is-
Jack Danger: Uh, no email. I'll send it to you with r-mail, which is to say, real mail. Because email has put hundreds of my co-workers out of work.
How would you like it if they laid off all of your fellow detectives and partnered you with a robocop?
Jake: I've literally drawn sketches of that.
Charles: The robot has a backpack that can carry me.

Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?
Amy: I don't like where this is going.
Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?
Amy: No!
Jake: No!

Jake: That's so bitter. What's wrong with this chocolate milk?
Store Owner: Dark milk isn't chocolate milk. This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk. The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness in the milk.
Jake: That's the worst part of both of those things.