Captain Holt: More importantly, Wuntch got served. Oh my god, Wuntch sounds like lunch. Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.

Captain Holt: I don't want to sound dramatic, but today has been sub-optimal. That doesn't leave this office.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, if you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.

Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy any more. So, time for me to get out there and spread my -
Charles: legs.
Jake: - wings. Get out there and spread my legs?!
Charles: Well, either way...
Jake: No, not either way. Only wings.

Sergeant Jeffords: Apparently he's on an important call with the Albanian president.
Amy: Is that Bujar Nishani or is it still Bamir Topi?
Gina: Oh, Ames, let me check. Mmm, it just says no one likes you.

Captain Holt: We're here are about a new and very potent for ecstasy that has surfaced in our precinct; street name, giggle pig.
Madeline Wuntch: Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose. Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
Captain Holt: That moustache was era-appropriate.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's a deputy chief. I'm sure she wants what's best for the community.
Captain Holt: She doesn't care about the community. She only cares about defeating me. This is war, Sarge, the War on Wuntch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh good, you've named it.

Jake: Rosa has this dumb rule about not mixing work with personal stuff.
Amy: That's actually not a bad policy. I once gave my aunt a jaywalking ticket and things really deteriorated between us.

Captain Holt: You think that semi-colon was a mistake? No, it was a juicy piece of bait, and she unhinged her jaw and swallowed it whole.

Captain Holt: Do you want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive and she didn't notice.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Jake: Ugh, motorcade duty is so boring. I honestly would rather sit around and listen to you talk about the right way to make paella.
Charles: There's more than one right way to make paella. There are ten right ways. You've got Valencian, modern Valencian.
Jake: Wait, stop. I've made a terrible mistake.

Jake: Three hours with no Holt or Terry. Do you know what this means?
Charles: Makeovers?
Jake: No, Charles.

Captain Holt: Is that how you plan on sitting? Leaning back like a matinee-goer? Madeline will eat you alive. That's no better. Hands folded on your lap like a pervert?

Gina: Oh, Boyle, I love that you're trying to up your sex game, but strength is not your issue. Stop humming. And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.