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Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: Okay, update on our trial prep. This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller, who, in many ways, is in charge of our defense.
Samuel Miller: In every way.
Jake: Well, "many" is part of "every." I'm facing 15 years in prison. Just let me have this.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Samuel Miller: So, prosecution's case is strong. You two were caught red-handed robbing a bank by one of the NYPD's most esteemed detectives in front of two dozen eyewitnesses.
Sergeant Jeffords: Right, but can't Captain Holt just testify he knew you were trying to take down Hawkins from the inside?
Jake: Unfortunately, no. Legally you can't testify for your best friend.
Captain Holt: That's not a law.
Jake: No? Sam?
Samuel Miller: Not a law.
Jake: Well, point is, he didn't deny we're best friends.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: Doesn't matter anyway. We don't need your testimony, because we have the meat fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Our two-pronged defense. Not unlike a fork you would use to flip a steak on a grill. It's a meat fork! Sam, explain the meat fork to them.
Samuel Miller: Again, "meat fork" is fun, but under no circumstances should anyone say that in court.
Jake: We have it if we need it.

Quote from Rosa in the episode Crime & Punishment

Samuel Miller: We have airtight alibis for the other three bank robberies you all are accused of.
Amy: Yes, I pulled time sheets, witness statements, and security footage. We can show that both of you weren't present at any of the other robberies, except March 12th. Still not sure where Rosa was.
Rosa: And you never will be.

Quote from Rosa in the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: Okay, reminder: privacy is cool, but if you don't tell us, we're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Rosa: Fine. I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Samuel Miller: Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.
Jake: Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account. Ba-boom!
Amy: I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.
Jake: Yeah, that's my sweet spot.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Crime & Punishment

Samuel Miller: Okay, so that's where we stand. Are there any questions or comments?
Captain Holt: Yes, there's something I'd like to say. Don't lose.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thought that was gonna be longer.
Jake: I loved it.
Rosa: It was perfect.

Quote from Charles in the episode Crime & Punishment

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle. How you doing there, bud?
Charles: I'm fine. I'm great.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I hear your mouth say that, but the rest of your head is telling a different story. Feels like the stress of the upcoming trial is starting to get to you.
Charles: Oh, is this about my hair turning white?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, definitely.
Charles: It's not just the head hair. It's all of it. All. Of. It.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get it.
Charles: It's like an Eagles concert down there. Nothing but whites.
Sergeant Jeffords: Understood. You got white pubes.

Quote from Charles in the episode Crime & Punishment

Sergeant Jeffords: There's no need to stress out. The lawyer's very confident.
Charles: Not good enough. I need to do everything I can to save Jake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you're falling apart. And that's not helping anyone. You need to get your crap in order.
Charles: Okay, you're right. I'll take a nap. I'll eat. I'll dye my pubes.
Sergeant Jeffords: You can dye all your hair.
Charles: No. There's no time.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Amy: Hey. Big day. How you feeling?
Jake: Good. Good. I was just working on my innocent face. Check it out.
"I'm a nice boy."
Amy: Oh, no. I don't think that's doing what you want it to at all.
Jake: Oh. Well, it doesn't matter, because my normal face is my innocent face, because I'm innocent.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Amy: Should we talk about what happens if they somehow find you guilty?
Jake: That's not happening. But what we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win. I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.
Amy: Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.
Jake: Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Judge Marinovich: Excuse me?
Amy: Oh! He's just kidding.
Jake: Yeah, I'm innocent. You'll see when we get in there. Nice talking to you, Judge.

Quote from Charles in the episode Crime & Punishment

Captain Holt: You got this.
Sergeant Jeffords: You got this.
Charles: You got this.
Jake: Charles, you're-
Charles: In a wheelchair, yep. My back gave out when I was dyeing my pubes. I was only halfway done. I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.

Quote from Charles in the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: Okay, well, I need to go be on trial for bank robbery now, so maybe we can talk about this later?
Charles: Oh, right. Good luck.
Jake: Good luck to you.
Charles: About the?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: Thank you.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Gina in the episode Crime & Punishment

Gina: Psst! Hey, Jake. I got you. Don't worry about it.
Jake: Really? How?
Gina: Among my many, many, many skills, I'm fluent in face. I can tell you what the jury's thinking at any given moment. I see an eyebrow twitch, I'm like, "Oh." If their cheek has a certain tension, okay, that leads me a different way. Watch this. Scully, you're wondering if anyone can smell your fart. The answer, my brother, is yes.
Scully: She's a witch.
Gina: What'd I tell you, boy? Trust me. I got you.

Quote from Jake in the episode Crime & Punishment

Jake: I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Rosa: Thanks. I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Jake: Thank you.

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