Hestus: Actually, you know what? That's a high school graduation ring. Dan Marino High, class of 2003.
Jake: Marino High, home of the Dolphins, I suspect.
Hestus: Nope, Pet Detectives. Town was really into Marino's cameo in Ace Ventura.
Jake: Ah, it stands to reason. Classic film, one of my childhood favorites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end, so a win.

Amy: I can't believe they all let C.J. and Gina just buy them off. But we don't need them, 'cause we've got you, and you're a sergeant. Did you sign the letter yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Um ... I-
Amy: What did he give you?
Sergeant Jeffords: He gave me the ability to continue to serve this community unencumbered by unnecessary oversight. Now, I really have to-
Amy: What did he give you?
Sergeant Jeffords: He gave me a yogurt fridge, all right? I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one, right next to my desk! I'm only a man.

Amy: Teddy, I don't want to be with you.
Teddy: But you want to be with him? You guys have nothing in common.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Tell that to William Atherton the man we both consider to be the second-best Die Hard villain.
Jake: [gasps] She meant it.

Jake: I'm still not sure who the second-best Die Hard villain is, though, you know? Probably Jeremy Irons. But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant, or it could be William Atherton.
Amy: Definitely the last one.
Jake: Right?
[current:]
Amy: No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Jake: All the death threats were sent from New York, so the perp is local. They'll probably try and strike at the book reading tomorrow night.
Sergeant Jeffords: And he's probably camped out on the street with the other fan boys. They've been lined up for three days.
Jake: To listen to an old man read a story? I will never understand this world.
Sergeant Jeffords: You once took a train to Toronto to get a Canadian VHS copy of Die Hard.
Jake: There was a rumor it was better sound quality. Get a grip, Terry.

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Captain Holt: I have a COMPSTAT presentation coming up, and I was toying with the idea of using hand gestures, for emphasis, so I went out on the roof to practice-
[cut to Holt on the roof:]
Captain Holt: And, ladies and gentlemen, violent crime has gone down by 10 percent. [he waves his hand and launches the pen off the roof]
[present:]
Captain Holt: Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added "YOLO" to the dictionary.

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: [snorts]

Captain Holt: You know, I had a friend that had to retire from the force. He became a private investigator.
Adrian Pimento: Ooh, PI, huh? I like that. [laughs] "Hello, Mr. Branville, I found out where your wife's been going tonight. Have a seat, you're not gonna like this. She's cheating on you. What do you mean you knew that already? You killed her? And are framing me for the murder? I just left my prints all over the crime scene. Oh, you are an evil ge-" This, this I could get on board for.

Jake: Well, I am ready for this. I pulled a full Amy and researched the crap out of him. Made this sweet binder. Just a couple of factoids about Victor: He's an ex-cop, 65 years old, married for 36 years, Cuban, his favorite food, Flavor First beefy dog food. Wait, no, sorry. That's his dog's favorite food. His favorite food is corn. Makes more sense. Dog food's not in the name.

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year. Doy.

Sergeant Jeffords: You know why I became a cop?
Captain Holt: Please share.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a superhero.
[flashback to young Terry trying to stop a bully:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop it! Stop bothering little Terry!
Bully: Or what?
Sergeant Jeffords: Or I will defeat you!
[as the bullies back off, Terry looks behind him and sees a black male police officer] Whoa.
[present:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I wanted to help people like that cop helped me. But right now, I don't feel like a superhero. I feel the opposite. When I got stopped the other day, I wasn't a cop. I wasn't a guy who lived in a neighborhood looking for his daughter's toy. I was a black man, a dangerous black man. That's all he could see: a threat. And I couldn't stop thinking about my daughters. And their future. And how years from now, they could be walking down the street, looking for their kids' Moo Moo, and get stopped by a bad cop. And they probably won't get to play the police card to get out of trouble. I don't like that thought, and I'm gonna do something about it. So I don't care if it might hurt my career. I'm filing that report. Even if I have to go over your head to do it.

Captain Holt: Bingpot!

Jake: Ah, man, it stinks you've gotta watch him it's really messing everything up. I mean, that came out wrong. I love that you have a son it's not messing everything up. Just messing up our ability to solve the case and have fun. Ah, you know what I mean. I'm a nice guy, I'm in the right. I'll just go myself. Bye, Nikolaj.
Nikolaj: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Yeah, whatever. See ya.

Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?
Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon. [silence] Wow. You're too tired for humor.