Amy: Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts. Two more, and we win.
Charles: Huh, just two? (SCOFFS) No sweat. Literally.
Jake: Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Charles: Oh, these lil' ol' things? [Charles licks his finger and lightly touches his rear-end while making a sizzling sound] Tsst.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Charles: Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? Our crop yields are so much smaller than that of mighty Latvia.

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Amy: That's why they say "it's test time, so diaper up." They say that, I've never said that. I've never worn a diaper during test. Who would wear a diaper during a test? That's ridiculous, I mean-

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year. Doy.

Captain Holt: I wanna show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Captain Holt: That's not what I wanted to- You drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Captain Holt: Freeze, punk!
Gina: Yeah, freeze, punk!
Captain Holt: Gina, where did you get that gun?
Gina: Lost and found at the storage facility. They have boxes of 'em. They're everywhere.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, look. You think it's our guys?
Jake: Maybe. But this is New York, so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Charles: Hey there, Nikolaj. It's your papa. If you're watching this, something bad has happened to me. But I want you to know that I love you very much.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want to stop filming yourself and help me with these many items I'm carrying?
Charles: Sorry, I was making a video for my son. You know, in case I never see him again. Do you not do that for your kids?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I do. I make those kind of videos all the time.You know, in fact, I was about to do one right now. Hey hey, girls. It's me, Daddy.
If you're seeing this, I'm dead. But I want you to know that I love you now and forever.
Charles: Okay, time for a lullaby, sung in your native Latvian. Ligo! Ligo! Ligo!
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, lullaby time. Look. Go to sleep, Daddy's dead But his ghost's always watching-

Amy: Got him.
Charles: Oh, well, you know, I think that makes it four to four.
Jake: No. No. You don't get credit for this guy. I was in the middle of negotiating, and he was about to give up. Tell him, guy.
Guy: No, I was probably gonna kill him, then let you kill me.
Jake: Oh, my God. I should've been way more scared.

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Captain Holt: Kind of seemed like you were gonna get up and leave after saying all that.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was, but I think I hear Margo.

Captain Holt: Are you hurt?
Jake: Yeah. I got caught on top of the fence. Check out my calf it's like Scratch City. How about you?
Captain Holt: I'm fine, except I was impaled on a metal pipe.
Jake: Oh, my God! [looking away and back again] Oh, my God! It's going to be fine. [looking away and back again] Oh, my God!