U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Larry, what's your favorite movie?
Uh, "Die Hard".
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Wrong. Jake's favorite movie is Die Hard. I asked you for Larry's favorite movie.
Jake: Two people can have the same favorite movie.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: They can, but they don't. Larry's favorite movie is Failure to Launch. Say it. Say, "My favorite movie is Failure to Launch."
Jake: My favorite movie is Failure to Launch.
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I wish I could believe you.

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Pop quiz, Larry: who's the female lead in Failure to Launch?
Jake: Kate Hudson?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Sarah Jessica Parker, man! God, it's like you want to die.

Captain Holt: So we're in Florida indefinitely. You okay?
Jake: I squirt-anly am. Poor choice of words, but the sentiment remains.

Jake: Now if you'll excuse me, I got to drive this Bee-otch back to work.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry. This is the Ikura Bee-otch 5,000. Brand-new model. Just came in. I was gonna go for the 10,000, but that Bee-otch is way too fancy.

Captain Holt: So I marched in there and I told him I wanted that assistant manager position.
Estelle: I wish my son had your backbone. Then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?
Captain Holt: Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude, ladies, but that's just how the straight mind works.

Captain Holt: Oh, hey, Larry.
Jake: Ah, hello, Groot.
Captain Holt: Greg.
Jake: Right.
Captain Holt: Is there an issue with our shared fence that we must discuss?
Jake: Nope, our shared fence is fine. Just off to work.

Captain Holt: Is there something going on at the ATV lot?
Jake: Yes, uh, having a sale on big, old springs.
Captain Holt: Shocks.
Jake: Right. I knew that; I was just dumbing it down for you. At any rate, I am off. Honk, honk. I don't know where the horn is.

Captain Holt: ATVs? The only thing you're selling is a huge pile of bunk.

Jake: How did you get here so fast?
Captain Holt: You were walking. I was power-walking. [cut to] Roll heel, ball, toe roll heel, ball, toe.

Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.
Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?
Captain Holt: No, something much stranger.
[cut to] Jake: [slowed audio] You were right.
Captain Holt: I knew then that you were up to something, so I followed you here. I guessed the combination on the first try: 69-69.
Jake: June 9, 1969, the day my parents got married.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.
Jake: My mom's birthday.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: The moon landing.
Captain Holt: Nope.
Jake: Fine, you're right. It's a completely random number.

Jake: Look, the feds are useless. They're never gonna catch Figgis, so I'm working the case. I want to get home and see Amy. Don't you want to see Kevin?
Captain Holt: Of course I do. But we were told not to get involved. Why can't you just follow orders?
Jake: Because I hate this stupid place, and I've got to get out. This town's claim to fame is that its mayors keep dying, and no one knows why. That's insane.

Taylor: Hey, everyone, just want to introduce you to our new assistant manager, Larry Sherbet.
Captain Holt: Son of a bitch.
Taylor: Larry, you want to say a few words?
Jake: Absolutely. Thanks. Hey, everybody. Uh, couple things about my management style. Number one: don't nobody ask me about what's in my cup, we ain't gonna have no problems. [laughing] Uh, two, I believe in the power of nicknames.
Smile Face, Senorita Swag, Kahuna!
Taylor: Oh, yeah.
Jake: And you, my friend, we will call Mr. Fart.
Captain Holt: Seems rather unprofessional.
Taylor: He called you "Mr." Fart, Mr. Fart.
Jake: Thanks, Kahuna. Guys, can I get real with you for one sec? [slurping] I used to work for a real stickler the type of guy that just got off on telling me what to do. One time, he invaded my private space and stole my stuff.
Taylor: Why would he do that?
Captain Holt: Perhaps he had a good reason.
Jake: Wrong, Mr. Fart. He was a jerk and he sucked. But he was the one who motivated me to get off my ass and get this job, so in a way, we really have him to thank for all this happening.

Taylor: How great is this guy, Greg?
Jake: Wait, that's Greg?
Taylor: Yeah.
Jake: The stoner?
Taylor: Yeah, look at him. He's such a Rasta.
Jake: Aw, total Rasta.

Captain Holt: How did you even get this job? You have zero experience. I guess you lied on your resume.
Jake: [chuckles] Greg, you stoney macaroni [whispering] Of course I lied on my resume. Our entire lives are a lie. I straight up said I was that guy who landed the plane on the Hudson.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.